


Fix Me, Love Me

by Arrakis



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Blow Jobs, Depression, Domestic Violence, Eventual Smut, First Dates, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Swears, M/M, Office Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Eren Yeager, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Past Child Abuse, Protective Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Resolved Sexual Tension, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-22 20:30:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11387832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arrakis/pseuds/Arrakis
Summary: Eren is clinically depressed: he had been abused by his father as a child after his mother had passed away. He had no one to turn to in regards to family, and instead chose to run away, abandoning his friends and cutting bonds with his father.Fast forward to today, where he’s being taken care of by his friend, Armin, and has never recovered from all those years of scars inflicted onto him physically and engraved into his mind mentally. It’s up to him to seek help from a therapist. And he does, from a certain Dr Levi Ackerman.





	1. a step in the right direction

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, this is my first published fan fiction. The story is revolved around a topic which may affect readers, so here are a few warnings:  
> There are depictions of violence (nothing extremely graphic however), references to attempted suicide, and there will be more in the future. If you are sensitive to these subjects, I suggest you not to read this.
> 
>  **Current status:**  
> !!ON HIATUS!!  
>  Work is not finished.  
> I have not yet worked out the number of chapters that I will be posting.  
> I might plan to write fan fiction (one-offs, or something) during the time that I am working on “Fix Me, Love Me.”
> 
> Constructive criticism, comments and kudoses are _always_ appreciated :)  
>  -Arrakis

It’s dark outside, but somehow even darker inside. The familiar parquet floor feels harder and colder than usual. Solid planks of wood, that I have come accustomed to lying on, look like a deeper shade of red than they really should be. My eyes roll around the surrounding furniture; an old sofa, a small, modern flat-screen television, a coffee table which had lost its usual sharp, wooden edge; due to lack of patience; due to lack of vital responsibility. And those old-fashioned, bright blue walls in our living room; they really don’t fit the scene at hand, do they? No, those are more serene colours… obviously not for a place like _this_.

_“You’re a disgrace.”_

I hear him say the statement with a guttural groan, his stench plagues my nostrils as I inhale the breath he releases, so close to my own face. The surrounding sofa and television set were suddenly out of my sight, the nebulous haze causing me to reluctantly focus all of my attention on him.

He puts me down like a dog - tells me to act like one, too. And the number of times I’d heard this shit in my nightmares did nothing but encourage me to act against his will. Yet, I’ve become all too familiar with the fact that I’m just a hopeless case. Even if this is a dream, in the real world it’s still a completely valid observation. The only variation in my dreams had been how my father was depicted and how he said it; he was able to say it differently, but with the same malicious intent he always wanted to hurt me with.

Yes, that’s the shit I put up with, several times a week, several times a month, _my whole fucking life_.

 

I still remember the days where he would choke the air out of me, but not completely, just so he could continue dragging me through this hell. I was his emotional punching bag, and whether I liked it or not didn’t matter, because I knew at some point that this was it.

_“You really don’t deserve any more than what you are, you piece of shit.”_

I'm useless, and that will never change. There’s no way left for me to go, because this really is the end of the line for me, and that line has long since started to blur. My misunderstood conscious, that no one is bothered enough to look after, is about to leave for good. At last I can finally leave this world with these _ungrateful fucking pigs_.

That’s what I keep thinking. That’s what has been engraved into my skull ever since I was little. But… I need to fight it, right? That’s the kind of thing someone like me has to do, because even if that monster had his reasons, that is not what you should put anyone through.

"Shut… up..." I sit up a little, my weak arm supporting all of my torso’s weight. I struggle to get the words out of my mouth; there are so many things going through my head, so much that I wanted to tell him and make _him_ feel bad about for once. But they couldn’t come out just yet…

_“Is the little piggy trying to say something?”_ This asshole… He’s seriously psychopathic, with that ominous fucking smile on his face… _“Come on, spit it out, squirt!”_ He slaps my back with a severe amount of force, the ache spreading through every single vertebrae in my spine. I seriously can’t take this anymore.

“You’re a failure...” I felt the words escape my lips once more. So many of these thoughts; so desperate to be heard. And yet, he didn’t understand. He can’t ever understand me, not someone as incomprehensible as himself.

_“I’m a failure?”_ He laughs maniacally, continuing to spit his foul insults at me. _“Wanna say that one more time, you fucking punk?”_ I can feel his daunting figure hovering over me; the chances of me overcoming this seemed slim to none. My helplessness doesn’t get the best of me, though: I lift my head, as much as my body would allow me to, and feel my eyes catch sight of his disgusting smirk.

“You’re... a failure of a father...” I cough the words out, sounding forced and harsh.

_“It’s your fault she died in the first fucking place!”_ He spits with malice.  
“You're wrong! She never fucking loved you anyway!”

I wish I hadn’t said that; I wish I could eat my words and discard them. Sometimes, I really need to be taught my lesson. I could feel the oncoming round of pain already, so I knew I had to endure everything he was about to give to me.

He groans loudly and kicks me in the ribs, knocking the wind out of me. My teeth grind on each other and I bite down into my tongue to compromise for the seething pain in my chest. He kicks again, harder, his groans louder, louder and _louder_ with every single kick into my frail, little body.

He straddles me and covers my mouth with his sweaty hand. I try to push him off with all the force I can muster, but instead I just look like a puny worm trying to wiggle my way out of his tight, slithering grasp. I fail to catch my breath once, twice, five times. It was impossible for me to resist it anymore.

But I can take the pain! I’m prepared for it all! If it meant having my eyes roll into the back of my skull as he choked every last breath out of me, every last memory, I’ll take it… all of it.

Just end me already, please.

He grabs my arms and pins them above my head, now moving his free hand to my neck, holding it so tightly to the point where I could feel his thumb marking its shape in my throat, digging so hard. I feel nothing. And the dead weight below my waist, it was just that: dead. No living cell remained in my body, apart from in my measly, little brain. And then, I still feel nothing, but I do hear constant ringing, and the room starts fading, the smell of breathy alcohol lingering around me.

The last image I see of him was his delightful grin. The delight he takes in knowing he nearly killed me makes him so happy. My only purpose is to make him happy. And that particular thought makes my chest feel uncontrollably constricted, heavy, nearly impossible to move.

 

I sit up in a panic, my throat feeling hoarse and broken. I catch my breath, inhaling... and exhaling… several times before rubbing the sore spot on my neck. It’s almost as if he literally choked me in my sleep… but that’s not possible. No, of course not.

I glance over at the clock, which reads 6:34 AM in its red, digitalised font.

Usually, I always wake up before my alarm went off. But I don’t mind it. It gives me some time to do a reality check. I need those; after all, I don’t have any energy to focus throughout the day.

My start to a day could be considered unusual by others. For instance, I didn’t have any breakfast. Never had the appetite. I also don’t go to school. Not anymore, at least. After finishing high school at the age of eighteen, I didn’t know what to do with my life. I’d barely achieved a passing grade, so what the fuck was I supposed to work with with those kind of achievements? I’m still in recovery, and those uncontrollable thoughts have taken over my life. I never have enough patience, concentration, and I’m always extremely tired.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression. The worst possible thing to be diagnosed with when you’re about to finish school, and haven’t got a single clue as to what you’re doing in life. So now, I really have nothing left to do with myself; it’s all just a downward spiral into the who-the-fuck-knows pit. My friend, Armin, has suggested to me at times that I should try out college. He always encourages me to take up something that was offered to me, but at that time, I guess he didn’t realise just how serious my condition is.

I know he feels sorry for me. He pitied me; he offered that I could stay with him and his grandfather until I was sure I didn’t need any more help and had a job. Like that was ever going to happen.

But after turning nineteen recently, Armin realised just how much worse I was getting. I don’t have anything to do, I have no hobbies, no friends excluding him, I really am just useless. And that thought took control over me, I convinced myself that I didn't want to live on this planet anymore. Not if it meant living with this fear that one day I might see him again. So I tried to end that fear.

Fortunately, Armin caught me that day when he came back home. It was the first time I'd ever seen him in pain. I remember his face, he was scarred, and I could tell that he disappointed himself in not helping me beforehand. He sent me to doctors, prescribed me medicine, all these things that didn't have a lot of effect. Recently, he assigned a therapist for me.

Speaking of, my first appointment is today. I’m not excited, or reluctant about going, either. I don’t think this therapist guy will help, just like the rest. Supposedly, this Dr. Ackerman has helped many cases. He was considered to be the best therapist near us. But, unless he worked the Lord’s miracles – or some religious bullshit like that – I don’t see him curing me any time soon.

The alarm goes off, indicating it was already seven in the morning. My arm guided itself to the clock, stopping it from its annoying beeping – which somehow wasn’t the only thing I dreaded the most in the morning.

It was the actual getting up that I hated. Or rather, not hated – hate is a strong word – I strongly disliked it. Getting up only meant giving in to the start of the day.

And a day was considered by many to be unpredictable, but to me they’re all the same. There’s no special events that occur throughout my week. And eventually, those weeks blend into a month, and before you know it, a year has passed without you accomplishing very much. It all just goes by in a flash, and I’m waiting for something fantastical to happen that will truly catch me by surprise, but then nothing happens.

Regardless, I get up and walk to the bathroom, only to be greeted with my own reflection. I’m glad I don’t look like a complete mess.

I quickly remove my pants and step into the shower. A quick, cold shower usually does it for me. I read somewhere that only cold water is used in the military, since they hurry up soldiers in the showers. Not to mention, cold water is way more beneficial than hot water in every way possible. They increase your awareness, relieve stress and anxiety... As you can see, I’m willing to try any remedy that could help me.

I quickly wash my body, stepping out of the shower merely minutes later. I dry myself off and head back to my room, where I’m confronted by my closet. I search it carefully, eventually settling on an outfit which is more elaborate than what I would usually wear.

After dressing myself, I head downstairs to the kitchen to find Armin drinking coffee. I thought I smelt something roasted.

“Hey, Eren,” Armin greets me, and I give him a nod. I make my way to the table and sit across him.

“Want some coffee?” He offers me, but I shake my head.

My hand touches the surface of the soreness in my throat. I need water.

“I’m seeing Dr. Ackerman today, right?” I ask him. Armin looks at me cheerfully.

“That’s right,” he seems happy I remembered. “You’re meeting him at nine, they said. You’re still going?”

“It’s not like I’m dreading it, Armin.” I look at him sheepishly, while getting a glass out of the cupboard. I head over to the tap and turn it on.

“I’m just surprised you’re not kicking and screaming, like any other child in this situation would.” I can hear his smile. He was obviously trying to make use of the fact that I feel a little better today than I usually do. I didn’t mind.

“I’m not a child anymore.” I pretend to pout, and hear Armin giggle. I gently turned the tap back off after it fills my glass to the brim.

A comfortable silence ensues, and I sit across Armin again.  
“What are you doing today?” I ask him.

“Just going to be studying for an exam that’s coming up tomorrow,” he sighs and continues, “not looking forward to it, though. It’s a history examination.”

I smile at him. I’m so jealous that Armin can do work. I wish I had something to do that would keep me busy. “You’ll nail the test, Armin, don’t worry about it.” And I meant it, because I’m pretty sure Armin always got straight A’s in high school. He was kind of a try-hard, but I can see what motivated him: wanting to pursue the best grades for the best university, and look where he is now. Attending a high tier school such as Shiganshina University.

Armin smiles in return. “You should start going soon, right? Shiganshina Therapy Hospital is quite a way to walk, especially from here.”

Armin was right. If I wanted to be there on time, I would have to get going soon. I quickly finish my glass of water. I slip into my shoes and coat, and wish Armin good luck with his studies.

 

I finally get to the clinic, and enter the lobby. I greet an interesting lady: she was sitting behind the desk in front of her computer. She had her eyes fixed on her screen, as if she was focusing on something difficult. Her hair was tied up messily in the back, and her rimmed glasses reminded me of an old, kind lady.

I approach her and was immediately asked, “What can I help you with, sweetie?”

“I came here for my meeting with Dr. Ackerman.” The look on her face tells me she needs more information than that. “I’m – um – Eren Yeager. It was at nine, if I remember correctly.”

She types in a few things on her keyboard, and looks at me, then back at the monitor, and quickly eyes me again. “You’re incredibly cute for someone who’s depressed.”

I blush and look at my feet. That wasn’t the way people should do business here at all… This is a therapy clinic, for Christ’s sake.

“Uh – thanks,” I say unconvincingly.

She ignores my unenthusiastic response. The lady leans over her desk and grabs the corded telephone, saying, “Levi, your patient, Mr Yeager, is here.” She subconsciously nods, and puts the phone down.

“You can go in. Walk through the hallway to your right,” she points in the general direction as she tells me the instructions.

“At the end, turn left and you’ll see Dr Ackerman’s office.” I nod and thank her again, leaving her and walking the direction she’d pointed to.

I can already see the door with the plaque screwed into it, saying “DR LEVI ACKERMAN” in a bold, impact font. I knock on it once and wait patiently for a reply.

“Come in, Mr Yeager.” I heard a deep voice call from behind the door.

I open the door, and see the person that is, supposedly, Dr. Ackerman.

“Hello, Mr Yeager.” Dr. Ackerman stands up from behind his desk and offers his hand. I walk over to him and shake it with a dignified force.

“Please, sit down.” He offers me the seat in front of his desk.

I sit down on the leather seat quickly, momentarily studying the man’s face.  
He was… attractive. He really was. In the few moments that I saw him standing up, I noticed he was a little smaller than me. By a few inches, or so.

His eyes were piercing, yet there was something about the light blue in them that hitched my breath. They were beautiful. His clean-cut hair was different, yet he still looked so professional and pragmatic. And in that black suit, it only made sense for me to compare him to a raven.

“Mr Yeager?” He snapped at me.

“Yes, what?” I woke up again.

“I asked you to introduce yourself to me.”

“Oh, did you?” Was I really that distracted? “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t mind it, Mr Yeager.”

“Please, call me Eren.”

He looks at me questionably, as if he knew there was some reasoning behind my request.

“Why should I, Eren?”

I was relieved he didn’t call me by my formal name again.

“I don’t like being reminded of him…”

His eyes immediately dart up to meet mine. “Who is ‘him’?”

I don’t like the way he’s already digging into my skin, but I had to comply if it meant he could help me.

“My dad.” I grimace at my use of the word ‘dad’. Grisha wasn’t my dad. Far from it. “No, scratch that. He doesn’t deserve to be called a father.” I look down into my lap. My legs were shaking a little.

Just get it over with, Eren. He can help you.

Dr. Ackerman nods his head. “Why not?”

I feared he would ask this, but then again, it’s what comes with reformation, doesn’t it?  
“Grisha, my dad,” I pause, inhaling deeply. “He’s the reason why I’m so damn fucked up.”

The image of his grin from that awful nightmare pops in my head again. I can feel my eyes starting to tear up, and a large lump growing in my throat. It felt like his thumb, digging into my throat…

“Would you prefer to lay on the leather sofa, Eren?”

I looked behind me to see the sofa, and nod my head. Dr Ackerman saw the tears in my eyes, and gave me a tissue.

I stood up and planted my body on the sofa, looking up at the ceiling while I twiddled my thumbs. Dr. Ackerman was getting his notebook and a pen, and finally took a seat parallel to mine.

“Eren,” Levi commenced scribbling a heading on his page. “Please tell me what you’re willing to talk about. I’m here to help you; you can trust me.” He gives me a reassuring smile and looks into my eyes. Given any other scenario, that might’ve been creepy, but right now was the best I’d ever felt.

“Dr Ackerman,”

He interrupts me, “Please, call me Levi.”

I continue, “Levi, do you think you can really help me?”

He looks at me whilst a pregnant silence arises.

“Only if you let me help you.”

I redirect my gaze back to the ceiling. “Grisha was the reason why I ran away from home, at the age of twelve.”

I glance at Levi, noticing how he was simply staring at me. The feeling of having someone’s undivided attention… it’s not something I was used to at all.

“When my mother, Carla, passed away I was only nine years old. My mother was the only person I was so close to. She was always there when I needed her, while Grisha was always at work.”

“What was your dad’s occupation?”

“He was a doctor. But he lost his job somewhere down the line, only a few weeks after my mom died. He needed to take care of me, and he soon realised that he couldn’t do a full-time job and take care of me.” I know this was the part where it got tough. I hold my breath, and slowly breathe out again.

“If you want to keep the rest for another day, that’s fine, Eren. Just tell me whatever you need to get off your chest for now.”

“No, it’s fine, really.”

He nods and was already paying attention carefully.

“When he quit his job, things got tougher. He got lazy around the house, and left all the work to me. I guess he felt useless, and he started blaming me for everything. He blamed me for the reason why he had to quit his job, which I suppose was reasonable. But he also blamed me for…” I pause, recollecting my thoughts. I bite my lip and breathed out.

“He blamed me for her death. Can you believe that? He started calling me a mistake and a failure… Every time I did something somewhat wrong, he would abuse me. Choke me, punch me, you name it.”

He looked me in the eyes again.

Those blue, beautiful eyes. How did Levi make me feel so safe? Maybe it was his calming aura… or his kind smile…

“Eren? Would you like to continue?”

“Uh – sure,” I look back down. “He would mishandle me so much, to the point where I was always so close to actually dying, but he never let me.” I swallow the bulge that had formed itself in my throat again. “Eventually, he didn’t let me go to school anymore… he kept me at home, locked, and I couldn’t do anything. I was beaten by him for as long as I can remember…”

I pause again and make sure I had eye contact with Levi, and I continue, “because, when you spend all your days inside, you slowly lose track of time. But then I realised that I couldn’t take it anymore. I waited for the time when he was passed out from drinking too much, like he usually would be. I was able to find the keys to the door and unlocked it.”

I hunch over and look Levi in the eyes with a straight face, “And I ran, Levi. I ran as long as my legs would carry me. It didn’t matter to me where I ended up. What mattered was the amount of distance I could put between us… and I’ve never heard from him or seen him since.” I finish my story. Levi continues looking at me, his lips were sealed tight, like a thin line, as if my struggles had scarred him, too.

“You would think it’s over,” I continue, momentarily catching Levi by surprise, “But I still have nightmares.”

“Are they about your father?” He asks me, eyeing me carefully.

“Yeah,” I decide to tell him about the latest one, “I dreamt he was choking the life out of me.”

“When was this?”

“Just last night.”

Levi widens his eyes, frantically writing it down in his notebook. “Are they recent, or have you always had these nightmares?”

“I can’t remember the last pleasant dream I had.”

Levi grimaces and writes something down in his notebook.

For a moment, there's a silence. I look up to find Levi simply staring at me.

"Levi?"

He shakes his head as if to clear a thought.

“I’m sorry, but we’ve run out of time for this session, Eren.” He looks at me again and closes his notebook.

I look down at my intertwined fingers. What was all that about?

“Thank you for helping me, Eren,” I glance up and saw him smiling at me. His smile seems so genuine. I wonder if he acts like this with all his patients. “This way, you’ll be better in no time, trust me.” He stands up, and sits on the edge of his desk.

I stand up and look at him.

He was flipping through the notes he made this session, “You can go now. I’ll see you tomorrow. Your friend, Mr. Arlert, requested regular visits,” He lifts his head to catch sight of my eyes again. “Unless you have any objections?”

“No, Dr. Ackerman. None at all. Thank you.”

I walk out of his office, and pass the lady at the reception. She smiles brightly at me.

“Don’t get lost, sweetheart!”

“You’ll see me tomorrow, miss.” I smile back at her.

And with that, I knew I’d finally made a step in the right direction.


	2. introspective dreaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his first therapy session, Eren is already overflowing with anticipation to his next one. However, he finds himself getting distracted by thinking of the raven-like man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, first off...  
> sorry for not posting a lot, turns out I've been busier this summer than i expected. i'll be pretty busy this school year too, so sorry if i don't post a lot. But hey, hold your heads up high my lovelies! i'm working on it :]
> 
> moving on, i hope you enjoy this chapter. There's a little something, nothing too dazzling, though. but we are getting there ;)  
> thank you for tuning in.  
> -Arrakis

Arriving back home, I immediately dash to Armin’s room. I feel so exhilarated, I can’t wait to tell Armin about everything. But why?

Why do I suddenly feel so light-hearted? For the first time in so many months, I feel as if I don’t have to worry.

I feel as if the thoughts that had nested themselves in my head are finally being chased away.

I think about Levi again. He’s so calm and understanding, which was strange. For some reason, I feel like that calm façade of his doesn’t suit him. He reminds me of someone rough.  
With such angular facial features, and that composed positioning of his stance, he looked more stern and demanding.

“Armin!” I burst into his room, shocking him temporarily.

“Eren!” He shouts back, equally as loud as I was. “Don’t scare me like that! I’m already nervous enough.”

I scratch the back of my neck, blushing. What had gotten into me? “Sorry, I just really need to tell you.” Armin looks at me questionably, and then his eyes widen with realisation.

“Oh, right! How was Dr. Ackerman?” He asks cheerfully. “I hope you don’t mind that I scheduled regular visits.” He looks at me worriedly, like he was expecting me to tell him off for laying such a ‘burden’ on me.

“No,” I smile at him as I tell him, “I don’t mind it. Thank you for doing this for me, Armin. Really.”

Armin parts his lips, like he’s surprised. “What caused this sudden revelation, Eren?” He laughs, and I couldn’t help but laugh with him.

“I’m surprised too,” I explain to him, “But I feel… better. Like, I’m finally doing something about this, and that’s honestly the best feeling I’ve felt in months.”

“What did he do to you?” He questions me, “Did he torture you? Give you happy pills?”

I wave my hands dismissively, “Of course not, Armin.”

“I was just joking,” Armin giggles a little again. “But seriously. What did that guy do?”

“His name is Levi. He’s honestly really kind. Although, he looks like someone who works in the mafia, Armin. He’s so clean-cut and straight-forward.” Armin laughs again. “But he’s a lot nicer than you’d think, really.”

But even I have to admit… He is extremely stunning. I’ve never met anyone as beautiful as him. Or understanding, or compassionate…

“Eren?”

“Sorry,” I guess I was in my own world again. “I’ll leave you to it. I’ll just grab something to eat real quick and go to bed. You want anything?”

Armin smiles at my offer, but shakes his head anyway, “No thanks. I’ll just keep studying. See you tomorrow, Eren.”

I wave goodbye and start making my way to the kitchen. I need to eat something refreshing, but nothing too major. After all, I have no experience in cooking.  
I look through the fridge and find a few fruits and vegetables, finally settling for some cucumber. I’ll just slice it up and eat it with a ham sandwich, that shouldn’t be a problem.

Grouchily, I grab a plate and a knife. The lack of sleep for the past few days suddenly hit me. Focusing on cutting the cucumber, I cut it with fine finesse, but I feel pretty drowsy... and then I think of Levi again, for the hundredth time today. I imagine him being with me, here, at this moment. What would he say?

He already knows so much about me. He knows of my past. He knows why I don’t have any family to turn to.

Yet I know nothing about him. I need to know, though. I want to get to know him better. Maybe, after all, we could be closer?

The thought alone makes my chest flutter...

Suddenly, I feel an uncontrollable sting go through my hand, up to my arm. The pain spread, and I looked down to see a deep cut I’d accidentally made in my thumb.

I release a moan of pain, and subsequently heard Armin run down the stairs.

“Eren, what happened?” He asked me worriedly.

I show him my cut; his eyes widen. He quickly runs back up stairs, returning with a few plasters and a bottle of rubbing alcohol.

“Seems like we don’t have an aid kit,” He tells me in a somewhat apologetic manner. “But the cut can be fixed with this, though.” Armin attempts at trying to caution me, “Please, keep in my mind it’s really gonna hurt.”

“Just make it quick, please,” I rush him. I really didn’t want to deal with this right now.

Armin quickly dabs some rubbing alcohol on the tissue paper. “This is gonna sting, sit tight.” He advises me profusely.

The tissue is placed on my cut and I suddenly feel the pain increase significantly. I bite my tongue and squeeze my hand into a fist as an attempt to endure the pain. However, the stinging had now permanently stopped, and I let out a final sigh of relief.

“Is it okay now?” Armin asks, putting a plaster on the cut.

“Yeah, thanks.” I eye the plaster, thanking the gods that it isn’t a childish plaster with colourful animals on it.

“Go get some sleep now, Eren.”

I hum in agreement. I was too tired to even reply. I just wanted to get in bed and fall asleep.

But I’m not particularly looking forward to it.

I know that the next few days are going to be extremely repetitive. It would be waking up from a nightmare, talking to Levi about it, and then returning home, only to be welcomed back into the dreamscape of Grisha.

But I feel like tonight’s dream would be different.

I haven’t been able to get Levi off my mind all day.

The stare he’d been forcing onto me, I attempt to recreate that feeling. It might’ve been creepy, but it was somehow… comforting, too. To think that I had his attention the whole time. And even if Levi is payed to listen to me, it feels as if he really does care. And I hate that thought, because I know it’s Levi’s job to listen to people’s problems. I know I’m not the only one that needs his help.

I feed off people’s attention. It’s one of the reasons why I suffered so much as a child.

Only my mom loved and really cared for me. That’s why, when she died, I wasn’t clear why everything started feeling… so lonely. Even when I was with others, I felt incomplete. I never had my mom to come home to anymore, and it killed me so much.

Grisha never once told me he loved me.

Not even in times I needed someone to love me the most; he would beat me and put me where I really belong.

But I don’t want to think of that.

I whisper his name, ‘Levi’. It was such a beautiful name, and for such a perfect being. As my therapist, I’m technically already allowed to call him someone who knew me.

Yet, there was something that made my heart jump the first time I saw him, which no one has really ever been able to do. He was so normal, yet so unusual. Something about him spoke volumes to me, volumes I couldn’t hear, or in other words, understand.

“Levi,” I say his name once more, like a curse I had to get off my tongue.

 _“Eren,”_ I sat up, shocked. Was I in Levi’s office again…?

I looked around and saw the same gloomy, dark office. I was sitting on the familiar leather sofa, and Levi was sitting parallel to me, again. _“What’s wrong?”_

“Wasn’t I just…” I started, and looked around again. Was this a dream or reality?

 _“Pardon?”_ He asked me again.

“Where am I?”

 _“You’re in Shiganshina’s Therapy Hospital,”_ Levi confirmed my thoughts. _“Why do you ask?”_

“I was just in my bed, at home.”

Levi nodded.

“And now I’m here.”

Levi nodded once more and looked at me with his blue eyes. He sat up, facing me.

_“Eren,”_

I hummed.

_“Have you ever been in a relationship?”_

I looked at Levi, surprised. What kind of question is that?

“Well, no," I admitted somewhat ashamed. “But no one’s ever interested me.”

Levi stood up in front of me, looking down at me.

_“Not even a cute girl that you fancied for, let’s say, a few weeks or so?”_

I shook my head.

Levi grasped my chin, angling my head upwards.

_“Not even men?”_

I tried to swallow the lump that had grown in my throat, I could feel my cheeks burning, my eyes darting around his face, searching and trying to read his expression, but I couldn't make out what it is that he was conveying with that question. The only option would be that he was trying to seduce me.

“I wouldn’t really know.”

The raven laughed huskily. If he was trying to seduce me, it was definitely working.

He leaned in closer, and closer, until he’s only an inch away from my face.

_“Smells like bullshit.”_

I tried pulling away, but his lips had already crashed on mine before I could escape. And I’m glad I didn’t, because this was by far the hottest thing I had ever experienced in my life.

He guided me back against the leather sofa, kissing me aggressively, but every kiss was more passionate than the one before, and deeper, and more lustful, hotter, and so many more good things that I can’t put into words. It was a temporary heaven. His hands reached out for my hair, clasping it, holding my head with a strong grip to indicate his possession of me.

At that moment in time, I couldn't help but reach out for him too. I slid my hands over his back, up to his neck and stopping at his head. I ran my fingers through his fine hair, hoping that by the end he’ll look as disheveled as I felt.

“Levi,” a muffled moan of his name escapes my lips.

He pulled away and stood back up.

 _“Make up your mind, brat.”_ The words were harsh, but his tone conveyed the real pain of the sting that was meant to be inflicted on me. It hurt.

“I’m sorry.”

_“Don’t apologise.”_

I looked up at him, confused.

“I was just being polite.” I explained in my defense.

 _“Well, you know this is all a dream, so if it’s all fake, why apologise in the first place?”_ Levi asked me rhetorically. I fell silent. For a dream, Levi sounds and looks extremely realistic.

He must’ve been _my_ interpretation of Dr. Levi. Maybe not the real Levi, but definitely someone very similar to him. After all, I barely even know Levi.

“Do you have sympathy for me?”

 _“Of course I do,”_ He told me, and I felt relieved, until he said, _“but then again, I’m payed to tell people I care about them.”_ I could feel the grimace forming on my face.

“Why did you kiss me?”

Silence.

_“Because I think you’re cute.”_

I realised how sad this scenario this was. I’m dreaming of my therapist confessing to me.

_“And maybe I do care about you.”_

But that thought was quickly erased.

_“And I need you to understand that you can open up to me.”_

“…so that I can make this easier for both of us.” Levi looked at me as if I had taken the words right out of his mouth.

“Do you think that in reality, outside of this dream, you really want me?”

Levi crossed his arms and smirked.

_“I suggest you put your theory to the test.”_

And I felt a little uncomfortable with that. Because it felt like I wasn’t in control of my mind anymore. My conscious knows what I want more than my entire being does. It knows what I want to believe. And that alone sent chills down my spine.

_“You have to wake up now.”_

“Don’t remind me of that fact.”

_“At least you have me to look forward to today.”_

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to. Because it felt like I could easily just embarrass myself.

But stupidly enough, I did smile.

I layed down on the leather sofa and simply closed my eyes. I heard footsteps fading away, hitting the cold marble of the room.

And as soon as I knew it, I was back in my room, staring up at my ceiling, a few minutes before 7:00AM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see you later space cowboys.


	3. those soothing ticks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During his second therapy session, Eren feels as if he’s falling down an imaginary rabbit hole. Recalling memories of his troubling past, as well as trying to figure out how he _really_ feels about Levi.  
>  So, how does he conclude his final thoughts in the end?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, henlo. Haven’t I been taking my sweet time...?  
> Terribly sorry. I have been procrastinating. But I feel in form to write!! And I already have future chapters planned out (including a Levi POV), so I’m hoping those will be coming out soon.  
> ANYWAY... please enjoy. Today’s chapter includes a lot of introspective thinking, and our lil baby Eren starts to understand his own moral values. Thank you for spending time on reading my... stuff.  
> -Arrakis

Crunch crunch.

The sound of the toast in my mouth filled the room. Armin simply stared at me; presumably because I was doing something unusual: eating breakfast. I smiled at him, earning a raised eyebrow from him, and continued to munch down on my toast. Armin cleared his throat, as if to begin a sentence.

“So how was your night’s sleep?” In that moment, I locked eye contact with him, swallowed the remaining toast down my throat, felt the taint red spread all over my face, and sat there, across him, at a loss of words (similarly to him) for about five seconds. He raised his eyebrows as if to repeat his question.  
I deadpanned, “Fine.”

Armin let out a wheeze, followed by a series of snorts. It was quite the sight; I never see him laugh this much, especially if I’m the cause of it. I could only assume it was because of my dry response to his simple question. What else was I supposed to say? ‘Just had a dream about my hunky psycho therapist, not much.’ No way, I didn’t even realise I was attracted to anything until less than a day ago.

“Alright, bud.” He chuckled and rubbed his fingers over his eyes. Armin did seem tired.  
“Were you having that history exam today?” I asked him.  
“Yeah,” he yawned for a solid few seconds before explaining his state, “I barely got any sleep last night.” I hummed in acknowledgement as if to sympathise with him.  
“Don’t worry, once it’s over, it’s over.” I smiled at him. He took notice.  
“You’ve been surprisingly happy lately.” He smiled back at me. It was true. I felt myself waking up a little happier today, which explains why I suddenly decided on eating toast in the morning. It must be because of Levi, in which case I’m fully allowed to get my hopes up. Maybe Levi will change my outlook on everything. And although I don’t have any doubts on whether he can help me or not, whatever happens in the future is unpredictable, and the extent of those things might lead to different outcomes...

“Maybe it’s merely a temporary happiness.” Armin grimaced at my response.  
“Oh come on, don’t say that. I like seeing you happy for once.” I smiled and continued eating my toast.

Armin is a compassionate friend. Anyone would be able to tell you that. Having him around is what’s been keeping me from leaving. I don’t want to disappoint him, I want to get better for him. After all, he’s done so much for me... the one thing I could return is an attitude change for the better.

I looked up at the clock. It was already time for me to leave.  
“Good luck Armin, I’d sell my soul if it meant you got full marks on this test.” I joked.  
“If anything, you wish you had a soul.” Armin came back at me, giggling. I put my hand to my chest and pulled a disgusting face, seeming somewhat mildly offended (as a joke, obviously).  
I continued in a posh accent, “Well excuse me, you mushroom head.” Armin seemed amused by my tease, putting me in a somewhat satisfied position.

I pulled my coat and scarf on. “See you, Armin.”  
“Bye, Eren!” Armin waved enthusiastically.

 

I saw the same lady behind her desk; she was typing things on her computer. But maybe she was faking that? When you think about it, sitting in the lobby of a therapy clinic isn’t a lot of work, right? Not a lot of people need therapy, or at least aren’t as fucked up as me to the point where they’re on meds and need to go to therapy regularly.

“Hey there, sweet cheeks!” The lady shouted to me as soon as she spotted me. I walked over, watching her face light up as I got closer to her.

“Hello, miss.”

“I actually forgot to introduce myself, my name is Ms. Zoë, first name Hange. I’m a close friend of Levi’s.” She beamed an incredibly dazzling smile at me.

What a coincidence, I thought. Two colleagues in a therapy clinic becoming close friends? I didn’t take that these kinds of workspaces were places to make friends at. Or maybe they were friends before they both worked in this clinic?  
“I’m here for my session with Levi.”

“Sure, down the hallway, like yesterday!”  
I thanked her, and continued to walk down the hallway, following yesterday’s path. I found myself feeling a little giddy when I stood in front of Dr. Ackerman’s door.

An erratically-beating heart wasn’t something I was used to, and this warm feeling at the pit of my stomach wasn’t either. Supposedly, at that time I only thought it was because of my therapy session. ‘I’m just not used to all the attention.’ That’s what I thought. However, it has become very clear to me what the REAL reason is.  
Him.

He opened the door right before I knocked, taken aback by how close we were to each other. He took a clean step back and breathed in and out. Levi walked towards his desk, indicating to me to do the same.

I slowly made my way inside, and once again took in the clinical, modern, marble stone and contrasting vibrant, old-fashioned walls that I had already encountered not too long ago. The leather of the couch was just as cold and smooth as I remembered. It’s as if not a single hair of this room had been misplaced compared to how it looked yesterday.  
Levi made his way to his desk, grabbing his notebook and pen, and sat parallel to me, again.

“Eren.”

“Hello.” I replied, somewhat humbly.

He looked at me, from head to toe - from my unpolished sneakers to my denim jeans, right up to my grouchy, messy hair pile. He lightly traced his finger on the rim of his notebook, as if he was finding something to fiddle with to make up for the amount of staring he did. He cleared his throat. I watched his eyes roll all over my body. Encompassed by his gaze alone; engulfed by his attention.

“How was your day yesterday?” He leaned back to refrain from the awkward tension that he caused. He blinked and cleared his throat several times before opening his notebook to my personal page and clicking his pen.  
“It was good.” I answered casually.  
“That’s a little vague, Eren.” I heard a slight annoyance in his tone, but he did well to cover it up with his nonchalant expression.  
“Well,” I drifted off, thinking of what really happened yesterday. I cut my finger by accident, I surprised my roommate by me finally being happy for once... and I dreamt that the man that I was talking to at the moment kissed me. And I surprisingly liked that idea. But what of that is worth mentioning, really?

“Armin is happy to see me getting into this therapy thing.” Well, I guess that’s one way of explaining it...  
Levi nodded, “I’m glad I can help.” He relaxingly smiled at me, which temporarily melted my innards.

Then ensued the typical silence. But Levi seemed troubled.  
He looked at my hand, his brows furrowed and he asked me, “What’s that plaster, Eren?” He pointed at it with his pen. I lifted my hand and brought it out for him to see.  
He frowned; continuing to look worriedly at the plaster.  
“I accidentally cut my thumb last night.”  
“Accidentally?”  
I hummed in confirmation, “I was a little drowsy, cutting something up in the kitchen. Lack of sleep really gets to me sometimes.”  
“I see.” Levi nodded and scribbled something in his notebook. “How did you sleep last night?”

“Well,” my eyes drifted down to my knees, trying to avoid eye contact with the raven. “I didn’t have a nightmare this time.”  
“Really, now?” Levi asked, raising his eyebrows. “That’s great.” Levi smiled, and he remained smiling while his finger tapped to the rhythm of the clock ticking.

Tick, tock; tick, tock - a standard, soothing sound.

Levi licked his lips and cleared his throat, furrowing his eyebrows for a split second, and told me that he needed to ask me something.

The clock’s ticking dulled and time seemed to dilate.

“I’m aware it’s a sensitive subject.” He looked down at his notebook and stared at it for a few seconds, as if he was thinking carefully of what he was about to say.  
“I have trouble talking about it too, but, if you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine.”

Confused by his wording, I prepared myself for the worst and nodded.

“Mr. Arlert, or rather your friend, Armin, notified me that you’ve attempted suicide in the past,” he cleared his throat and focused on me again. “Could you elaborate on your thoughts of the matter?”  
“Sure - uh…” I fell silent for a minute.

Where do I really start?

I don’t feel comfortable talking about it.

I don’t want to. I can’t.

“I…” my body was not allowing me to say the words. I couldn’t get them out of my system… I couldn’t. My mouth felt jarred.

I looked up at the ceiling, swallowed, twiddled with the hem of my shirt. “I remember,” I cut myself off again and inhaled very deeply. I could only picture how annoying I must be being, taking so much time to just say something so simple.

“I remember feeling really… lonely.”

God, I’m a fucking idiot. 

I swallowed the bulge that formed in my throat. I could feel my eyes stinging and I knew the tears were about to start flowing. I looked up at Levi and I saw the obvious grimace plastered on his face. He didn’t seem too happy about it himself.  
Levi placed his hand on my knee.

I widened my eyes. Levi was being nice… again. And I just wasn’t used to it at all, and my heart was beating so fucking hard, and the area his hand touched started feeling a lot warmer than I originally intended it to be - actually, correction, my whole body felt really warm.

Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with me?

The uncomfortableness of those split few seconds had my head spinning. The mixture of all these feelings; thinking about Grisha; my attempt at trying to end my life; knowing that there is someone out there who is willing to help me - that last thought, especially, really did things to me - it didn’t feel normal to me. But I quickly realised it was merely Levi trying to help me.

My heart was beating quicker and harder, that warm feeling in my stomach returned, and I finally had an idea of why that was.

“Jesus,” I cupped my face with my hands in shame.

Levi was silent.

“I tried doing it. I hated myself.” I looked down at my knees and just sat there.  
“I’m utterly useless, Levi. I don’t know what the fuck I’m thinking…”

A tear rolled down my cheek.

Then two.

Four.

“Armin has done so fucking much for me…”

Several drops were collecting at the corners of my eyes.

“And I’ve just been some lazy fucking sad sack of shit!”

“Eren, please…”

“I can’t do this…”

Levi cut me off. “Eren,” He guided his hand back to his notebook. I could tell he was refraining from reaching out for me, it was so sweet but I supposed he always considered his boundaries and where they lay.

“You’re not the problem. Trust me.”

I continued looking down at my feet.

“Eren, listen to me. And look at me, please.”

I lifted my head. I guess his frown gave away how red my eyes looked.

“Look,” Levi inhaled a deep breath of air and intertwined his fingers. “I’m going to be blunt. You’ve been leading a shitty life up until a year ago.”

His harsh words were like a pierced dagger through my heart. The ticking of the clock was no longer audible. The ringing in my ears dominated that soothing sound by a long shot. I was desperately waiting for Levi to quickly continue.

“But you have to know that that is not your fault. You were abused. You are a victim. And it’s difficult for people like you to understand that they were victims, so I really need you to do me a favour, Eren.”

I swallowed the bulge in my throat, suppressing the tears, waiting for Levi to finish.

“I want you to convince me that you’re confident in yourself for knowing that it was Grisha who did this to you.” I already knew he did.

“I want you to tell me that Grisha was a manipulator, a piece of shit excuse for a father, and that you are happy that you have moved on from that chapter in your life.” How could I have ever moved on from something so traumatic?

“Because it’s really time to turn the page on this one, Eren.” Although, I knew Levi was right. I needed to learn how to change my attitude, because it really wasn’t my fault.

My lips parted and I didn’t dare look anywhere else but at Levi.  
“You want me to…”

“Tell me that now? No. Well, not unless you’re confident about it yourself.”

“Ah.”

“Yes. It’s a learning process.”

“And you’ll help me through it.”

“Exactly.” Levi’s simple yet encouraging words brought a smile back to my face.

The ticking of the clock returned, albeit slowly, and I felt comfortable again.

Our conversation continued for a while; we were already nearing the end of our session.

I felt relieved.

“Thank you so much, Levi.”

So I thanked Levi, and went on my way home.

“See you tomorrow, Eren.”

 

The hard parquet floor in my room didn’t feel nearly as hard as it usually felt.

And neither did my mattress.

It all started to make sense. Levi was like my angel, or something. The light guiding me on the right path. It sounded really cheesy, but I did have high hopes. However, Dr Ackerman needed ME to consider my own emotions. He was challenging me. At the time, all I could think was ‘I know I’m not the problem.’ I just felt utterly useless, you see? Sitting at home, going to therapy and leeching off your best friend wasn’t very ideal.

I know it’s Grisha’s fault, but how did I prove to Levi that I’m aware of that fact? How could I go out of my way to show him that I can make changes to my life?

My train of thought halted. I felt like it was suddenly really quiet. And then I remembered why. There’s no abundant clock ticking in my room, and the therapy clinic had a lot more vibrant wallpaper than my own room did, also that leather couch in Dr Ackerman’s office is pretty comfy compared to my own bed…

… I missed Levi.

I really like Levi. I know I like him. In the sense that I like him in a friendly way. No - more than friends.

So if I could just prove to him that I can do anything, while also becoming closer to him… that could change me.

I needed to be friends with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Henlo... hope you liked. Look forward to future chapters, folks!


	4. everyday is exactly the same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How has the relationship between Eren and Levi been running the last few weeks after their first encounter?  
> Digging up memories has never been an easy feat for Eren. However, when it comes to sharing them with Levi, he seems to feel a lot more comfortable talking about them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s title is dedicated to the song by Nine Inch Nails, “Everyday Is Exactly The Same.” I remember listening to the lyrics carefully, and kinda thinking it fitted Eren’s previous situation, so I wanted to build on that idea.  
> This might be a disorienting chapter. The text in _italics_ is meant to represent a memory, so Eren is sort of telling the story by referencing to things that happened recently.
> 
> (((FYI, Eren is talking to Levi in this whole chapter. Towards the end, they merge into the current scene, which is during a therapy session)))

I needed your company.

You made me feel like I had a purpose.

You always made me so content. I thought no one really cared about me until you started helping me. And until I met you, every day was so similar to the last, like I couldn’t distinguish what was missing and what I had done that same day. It was so severe, and I was ready to defy a simple therapist like you, who was just passing along and trying to help me. It just seemed like a hoax to me, a mock, a fake. Yet, you are so much more than that, Levi.

You really were like a cure to me.

_“Levi.”_

_“Eren?”_

_“I know it’s near to the end of my session, but…”_

_He slowly closed his notebook, he saw the troubled expression on my face, and he looked at me questionably._

_“What’s wrong, Eren?”_

_I breathed in and refused to let the air escape out of my body._

Never had I ever felt this urge to understand what made someone tick; what they liked, what they could not stand, and their beliefs and opinions.

You were… the first.

...

I don’t think you would exactly take that as a compliment, but I have my hopes.

_I wanted to ask him, I would be so childish if I didn’t. I would blame myself and hate it._

_I was too shy, though, so I just thanked him, as per usual…_

_“Thank you for helping me.”_

_Levi smiled gently, “Don’t mention it.”_

And the next day, I tried again. And the day after, and after. And by then, a week had passed.

Yet… I didn’t mind.

_“The wallpaper in here is really beautiful. I love the pattern.”_

_“That’s floral wallpaper. I’ve never seen anything more revolting, if you’re asking my opinion.” Levi put his finger in his mouth, further mocking the floral wallpaper._

Spending time with you got my mind off of things. And you felt it too, didn’t you? You felt that connection between us both, right?

_“It reminds me of somewhere homely.”_

You’re like a cooked meal to come home to, Levi. You remind me of so many good things that instantly bring a smile to my face, no matter what I’ve gone through in the day so far.

_“Yeah, if you’re a grandma.”_

Your husky chuckle really hit me sometimes. It sounded so beautiful, it always does… in fact, I just think you’re very attractive, Levi. That sounds like some sort of confession, but you can look at it however you please. 

You’re just… breathtakingly stunning, okay?

_Sharp, black locks of hair that nearly covered his bright, almost lifeless eyes. Lifeless, but not quite dead. The raven looked more intriguing; so intriguing that he looked identical to an impeccably-chiseled marble statue of an ancient god._

And you generally just influenced me, too. Armin noticed that very quickly. I know that Armin cares. Armin had always meant so much to me; you understand how much I value him. In my toughest times of need, he was always there for me and he always lent a hand. And so, when I see that pure smile of his, it suggests that you helping me also affects him, in such a positive away. However, not only can he tell I’m happy, he also takes note of just how much more interested I seem about things.

_We entered a simple DIY store in town. It was mostly vacant; the radio music played silently through the empty aisles of decor and wallpaper.  
I made my way to the wallpaper design and grabbed a roll which had flowers imprinted on it. I rolled it out tentatively to show Armin and asked him,_

_“Do you think floral wallpaper is ‘revolting,’ Armin?”_

_“Revolting? Not really.” Armin reached out for the wallpaper clasped in my hands. Gingerly, he rubbed his thumb and index finger on it and felt the texture of the paper. “It is a little old-fashioned, in my opinion.”_

_“See, it’s not so much as revolting!”_

_Armin giggled and rolled his eyes, letting go of his grasp on the material._

You see, after all this time I have been spending with you, gradually, I was reminded that life really isn’t that bad. I concluded that I can have fun and be happy. Of course I shouldn’t be afraid of anything, because if you’re scared of facing something as diminutive as a lousy, little obstacle in your day, then what’s the point in even getting up out of bed? Unless I wanted to be the “sad sack of shit” that I made myself out to be, I shouldn’t bother making a change. However, I didn’t want to be that. During those sessions with you, I realised that I do have things in common with some people, even you, my own therapist, and that really gave me some morale, some confidence, some hope, which is really required in a shitty world like this one.

Which reminds me…

_The sun was setting hours earlier than it normally would, in the colder month that is November. It was autumn: not quite summer, not quite winter, but the perfect temperature to stroll outside, watch the dark, red leaves wither from the trees and flutter to the ground, only to be covered by snow in a few months’ time._

_Autumn was my favourite season; I adored walking in the local park when I was younger. It was such a gorgeous Sunday, so I wanted to just tour around, take in the sights, and treasure those moments before they could be taken away from me._

_And I knew it was going to be much more interesting, because I recognised a familiar figure in the distance._

_So I walked towards them, and upon my closer arrival, I noticed that it was Levi._

_I didn’t want to make it awkward. This was, after all, the first time I saw him outside of his office. I just wanted to say hi, is all. So, I just said…_

_“Um - Levi?”_

_The figure turned around, and my suspicions were correct, because the person revealed themselves to be the man that I had come to admire with such passion. He wore a large, black trench coat that hung to his knees, his hands concealed in both pockets on either side. He was evidently well-clothed; a plaid scarf was wrapped around his neck that barely covered his mouth._

_As soon as he identified me, he uncovered his mouth from the scarf. “Oh, hi, Eren.” He smiled softly. “I’m happy to see you’re doing well.” Levi squinted his eyes with the rays pouring over his face and he peered up at me._

_“Here, look - let me help,” I stood in front of the incoming sunlight as an offer to help him see me better. He thanked me modestly._

_We both looked out at the open field; every square metre was covered in stunning, bright red maple trees. Brisk gusts of wind flowed through Levi’s tresses of hair. “Tsk. It’s a little too chilly, for my liking.” He scoffed._

_“Do you come here often?” I asked Levi curiously. I didn’t take him to be someone who frequented the premises of a local park, so it came as a real surprise when I saw him here._

_“Yes,” he nodded sheepishly, “parks are sort of a soft-spot of mine. Ever since I was a small child, I used to visit parks with my mother.” Levi’s face merged into a small, affectionate grin, a hint of warmness tainted his eyes. He sighed deeply into his checkered scarf before continuing.  
“On days like these, when the trees become more bare than ever, she would enlighten me with the life cycle of a tree and its leaves.”_

_Levi’s head sprung up as he scouted the area, picking up the nearest leaf that didn’t imply that it had been trampled all over._

_“Look,” he pointed at the long line flowing through the whole of the leaf, from top to bottom, and without fail explained its purpose, “this is the leaf’s midrib. It’s what the veins of the leaf are connected to.”  
He then beamed his finger at the lines that stemmed from the midrib. “The veins are responsible for supplying the sugar sap and nutrients to the midrib, which then gets passed onto the tree.”_

_I took a second to look at Levi - a smile was plastered on his face. He seemed so content; having just explained to someone this information - knowledge from his mother - really made him feel joyful. Or perhaps it was being reminded of his mother that made him so happy. Either way, I felt so lucky to experience this moment with him._

_“Your mother sounds very clever.” I smiled at him._  
_Levi looked up at me, and for a fleeting moment, he seemed almost lost, as if he had been off in his own world, but he blinked his eyes and smiled back at me.  
“She really was,” he chuckled, dropping the leaf back on the ground. “But she was quite rebellious for a young mother. She always spent her time outside with me, rather than spending her time inside obeying my father. And… I think that was for the better. I always had an underlying feeling that he constantly undermined my mother.”_

_“How come?”_

_“For the same reason why trees rid of their leaves during this cold season,” he sighed and furrowed his brows, “my father just used her for everything she could offer, I know she never meant that much to him. And when the time came, he was ready to send her out on the streets.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_He sighed disappointedly. “Don’t be, I never had a problem with it.” He picked under his nails and dusted his hands on his coat, removing any excess dirt from picking up the leaf. “That bastard doesn’t deserve any thought wasted on him.”_

_And there I was, standing with the man I admired so much, even more so now. Levi was so rational and perceptive, it was downright commendable to see him getting on with such a troubling past._

_He had let go of that angst in his life, though. He knew he was better off without it, so he just let it go - something which really is not a straightforward, painless process._

You finally made me realise just how life could be if I finally stopped sulking around. And I feel so reassured to leave my past behind now.

That same day, I told you how I feel about it all: my abusive past, me trying to get through those tough times… and of course, just how grateful I am that you’re helping me out.

You remember what else I told you, right?

_“I’m so happy that you’re in my life, Levi.”_

Well, I meant that.

So thanks, again.

Either way…

Can you recall how you asked me a few weeks ago, that one Tuesday morning, how I feel about me attempting to take my own life?

_“Could you elaborate on your thoughts of the matter?”_

I will be honest, my mouth went dry when you asked me that question.

I never liked talking about it, but I’m sure you’ve experienced that kind of behaviour before. You handled me so well after I had that little meltdown, and I really want to thank you for that, because when I got home, I had an epiphany that I otherwise would never have wanted to admit to.

I took a deep breath, and just gazed; I gazed at him, in total awe, and Levi continued gazing back at me. His expression was so charming, calming, sexy, I can’t even fathom how it was possible at all, but I could’ve sworn he was the most perfectly-constructed being. He was just sitting there, notebook in one hand, pen in the other, putting little to no effort into anything, yet managing to be so damn perfect.

“Levi, I’ve been explaining to you all of these perceptions I’ve had in my mind for the last few weeks.”

Levi nodded.

“Could you please help me come to terms with them, and also…”

I quieted, and for a few solid seconds, the office was totally mute.

I cursed myself under my breath for allowing my heartbeat to pick up its pace again. I figured that after disclosing all of my thoughts to Levi in person… I figured that if I came clean, I wouldn’t have a reason to be so anxious.

But I hadn’t really “come clean” yet. I needed to get this over with, so I thought carefully, “I’m going to just say it on one, single breath.”

“I really want to be close to you,”

So please don’t turn me away, please, please.

“As in friends, kind of close,”

I’ve got nothing else to lose but you, “so Levi, do you want to hang out this Sunday?”

His grey, menacing eyes targeted me, and it felt so addictive, as usual. Being at the centre of his attention felt like my new refuge. It was truly astonishing, what someone like him could do. Maybe that’s why I suddenly felt this way, because I’ve never met someone like him before. Yet, as his eyes targeted me, I sensed that I could see them light up even brighter, as if he had just experienced a first-hand encounter of God, or something. It was uncanny, seeing his cheeks fluster a little as he clicked his pen constantly, licking his lips while adjusting himself slowly in his seat. And then, that behaviour halted.

“Eren, you know I would be more than happy to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, seems like I’m posting pretty on time, hehe. I’ve been working hard on this chapter for the past few days. More will come soon, ideally within a weeks’ time if I get the whole of Sunday off, so yeah, look forward to it!:]


	5. the mischievous date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title says it all!
> 
> _It’s not a date!_
> 
> Oh yes, it so totally is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Levi and Eren finally hang out as _friends!_
> 
> I like this chapter, so I hope you enjoy it too.

It sounds like I’m bragging when I say this, but I was quite confident that Levi would agree to my proposal. I had a feeling, just a _sense_ that Levi would say yes.

We have been growing significantly closer lately, and I’m just so happy that I can finally call ourselves friends. Being able to relate to Levi, seeing him nearly every day lately, it really brings us closer, I believe. In fact, when you put it into perspective, I guess seeing him today isn’t that big of a deal as I made it out to be.

I personally wouldn’t call it a date; it’s not like we were dating. Besides... he probably doesn’t like me in that way. And I think it’s fairly obvious where I stand on that spectrum. I’m crushing on Levi _so hard_. It’s challenging for me not to.

_Fuck, you’re such an idiot, Jaeger._

“Well, here we are,” I say cheerfully.

“Beautiful weather,” Levi continues with my remark.

Back in that same park, on the same day, at the same time: a lovely Sunday afternoon. Clouds were intercepting the sun’s rays, which were desperately trying to reach the surface of the concrete, which we were walking on. We step in sync along to the rhythm of our small talk, which is pretty interesting for just being “small talk.” (At least, it is in my opinion.)

I’m telling Levi about how when I was younger, I also used to visit these sorts of parks. He seems interested, surprisingly enough. He doesn’t butt into the conversation, he gladly listens and takes in the information. I quickly notice that, even though we’re walking side by side, he still often turns his head to the side to glance at me. It makes my cheeks douse with a certain hot glow whenever he does; it’s hopeless not to look like a dunce in his sight.

“So, everyday after school finished, I would make my way through this secret passage,” I wave my arms about, trying to paint a visual image for Levi so he can wrap his head around my explanation. “Then, I turned left to this sketchy alleyway and...” However, I rapidly notice that my attempt fails, due to the amount of times he’s grinned at me so far.

I stop walking and talking in the midst of conversation. “Hey, are you making fun of me?” I exclaim, interrogating the raven.

“Eren,” he chuckles with a wheeze, “it’s difficult for me not to laugh at your idiocy half the time.” He continues laughing softly, telling me to swear an oath that ‘I’ll never get into mapmaking.’ I look dully at Levi and cross my arms, and I could already feel my head steaming. I wanted to try to make a point that I am, in fact, perfectly capable of explaining something mentally in a visual manner.

During the time that my head was radiating enough thermal energy to heat a mansion, a blonde, petite lady approaches us, presumably a foreigner if I could judge anything by the map she held in her hand.

She asked us in a very prominent accent, “Pardon - eh… where I can find the - eh…” she scratches her head thoughtfully, trying to communicate herself to us. She’s clearly struggling, and I feel a little guilty for just standing here, not trying to cooperate with the lady and figure out what she needs. I look over at Levi, who’s curiously squinting his eyes at her.

“Where I can find this…” she huddles closer to us and opens her map, and pinpoints a specific spot on it. I peer at it, and, in my most confused moment, the only words (or rather, _word_ ) capable of spilling out of my dubious mouth is,

“What?”

_Well, aren’t you bloody smooth, Jaeger?_

Instead, I focus on trying to follow the path from the park to where she wants to go, and try to advise some directions to her, “I’m not so sure, but I think you should take a right on the end of this path,” I feel Levi’s judging gaze watching me, but choose to disregard it instead, “which should lead to an open road, and then…”

Levi interrupts me, speaking to the lady in some foreign language, “Excusez-moi, mais parlez-vous en français?”

The lady nods joyfully in response, clutching the map to her chest as she does so. “Oui, pouvez-vous m’aider, s’il vous plaît?” She looks over at me, and giggles. “Oh, mon dieu, excusez-moi, mais vraiment je ne comprends pas ton ami.” She looks back at Levi with guilt in her eyes. Levi looks at me and gives me this sly grin, and I can’t help but feel like a laughingstock as they both chuckle at their stupid French joke.

Right, by now, I realise that they’re speaking _French_ to each other. So I’m just  
standing here, my mouth agape as I watch their exchange.

“Ça marche, où est-ce que vous vais?” I’m assuming Levi just asked a question… most probably ‘where are you going?’

_Woah, Eren. You really hit the nail right on the head there, didn’t you?_

“Je veux aller au musée des œuvres Allemandes. Connaisez-vous l’emplacement?”

“Ouais, c’est au bout de cette rue à droit, près de la Grand Plaza.” Levi points out the same directions that I had tried explaining to the lady earlier. Maybe she couldn’t understand English very well?

_Or maybe she couldn’t understand my English, ‘cause I’m kind of an idiot when it comes to forming properly articulated sentences that even the most basic human needs to be able to comprehend._

“Ah, d’accord, d’accord.” The lady nods her head excitedly. “Merci beaucoup.”

“Pas de quoi.” Levi nods his head, while the lady starts walking off.

He watches her walk away; there was a slight pause right before Levi was about to lead the way on the path again, but I grip his arm, pulling him back towards me.

“Woah, woah, are we not gonna talk about that?”

“Talk about what?” Levi dusts his arm off. He clicked his tongue, “tsk,” right before picking at a small spot on the sleeve of his coat with his fingers, very delicately.

“That foreign language business!”

“There’s nothing to talk about. I was just helping her.”

“Well, I didn’t know you could speak _French_!”

“Well done, you recognised a language that isn’t English.” He smirks shrewdly at me, as if he was seriously challenging me, right there and then.

“In my defense, I did try to help her.”

“Well that clearly failed, didn’t it?”

Levi finally shut me up, quite honestly leaving me feeling a little dismayed. I close my mouth right before I can voice another objection, avoiding further injure to my fragile, anxious mind. So I just look over, and continue walking ahead, Levi following me behind.

There’s an obvious awkward tension, right after that excessively acute conversation we just had. I don’t really know how to resolve it, though… I occasionally catch him looking at me, with a face that looked nearly expressionless. Although, I can still tell he felt a little guilty for suddenly lashing out on me. That tells you a lot, doesn’t it? Being able to pick apart someone as continuous as Levi is quite… challenging. The man is so routine, if you can even distinguish a genuine frown from his usual colourless face - like now, for example - you can definitely deem yourself worthy of a medal for that kind of thing.

Wanting to clear the air and break the ice once more, I provide an easy opportunity for Levi to crack a joke at me.

“At least tell me she said that she understood me a little, please.”

His modest smile returns to his face as he looks back up at me. “She explicitly told me that you shouldn’t get into mapmaking.” Levi’s grin says it all, though: of course he’s just joking.

“Whatever,” I shrug, continuing to walk by myself, “you’re both incompetent plebs, not a real intellectual like yours truly.” I wear the smuggest smirk on my face, making sure not to break out of character. In spite of my efforts, I’m still met with a threatening look on Levi’s end, like he’s glaring daggers at me.

“What did you say, you little brat?”

“Woah, I’m just joking!”

The raven smirks to himself. “See, I didn’t even have to lift a finger and you’re already apologising,” he notifies me. “That’s going to come to great use.” He sneers, leaving me momentarily speechless, like I was just stripped of my defense and ready to surrender.

I feel a hotness smother my cheeks, redder and hotter than ever, so I wave my hands dismissively, “Oh, shut it.” We continue walking ahead as if we had moved on from the subject.

 

As we stroll along, we take in the remainder of the scarcely tolerable weather. There aren’t many people around, only the occasional dog owner and their puppy, or an old couple who would occasionally smile at us - I’d politely smile back, whereas Levi would nod to them unobtrusively.

But no longer was the sun shining; gloomy, opaque clouds started to form; the wind’s gusts were more troublesome than pleasant, tugging at my clothing and my messy hair, both which were collecting tiny, wet drops of rain. The type of drops that form during the calm right before the great storm.  
“Looks like it’s raining soon.” I remark.

“Fuck.” The curse leaves his lips solemnly - an annoyance that tarnishes his monotone voice - as he digs his hands back into his pockets and tells me, “I don’t have an umbrella on me.”

“Neither.” I respond back to him.

I sigh frustratingly; I really need to compromise for this lack of preparation. “One minute, I’ll find somewhere we can take shelter.” Levi rolls his eyes and walks off a little further. At a loss of words, I look around us, attempting to find an area that might stand a chance at remaining a little dry.

There aren’t any stores or shops that close, otherwise we’d have to walk another half mile or less before we got to one. And, at the rate that the storm seems to be forming, I wouldn’t exactly say that we’ve been dealt a good hand of cards. However, that discouraging thought is quickly eliminated as soon as I catch sight of a large maple tree - one that hadn’t lost all of its leaves yet, unlike a large majority of the other red, bare, maple trees. I point towards it, dragging Levi behind to follow me.

As we reach the tree, Levi and I both wipe the wet drops off our face with our sleeves. I gingerly take my phone out so I can check the weather. A brightly lit screen illuminates my face whilst I suggest to Levi our current situation. “The weather forecast says it’ll last for an hour,” I watch Levi nod his head in affirmation. I look up and mention, “if we leg it, we could make it to a shop, that should take less than ten minutes.”

Levi immediately protrudes what I said, instead choosing to disregard my remark. “We can wait it out.”

Rain drops come and go, from the sky down to the soil which we stood on. Levi doesn’t start a conversation, and neither do I, but that’s understandable. Given that we’re appropriately watching the rain gradually dying out, the silence is an enjoyable one. Times like these allow you to recollect your thoughts. Think about how your day’s been, whether you still need to do grocery shopping later, or if you remembered to text your friend to pick up your favourite snack from that convenience store down the road. You see, just because we’re standing here, watching the rain in a public park under a mythical-like tree, doesn’t necessarily mean we have to study our environment. We can think about whatever we so desire.  
And as of this moment, I’m thinking about those things that Levi told me about his mother the other day.

“Hey.”

I look at Levi, who glances at me, and then continues looking at the rain, his arms crossed. “Yeah?”

“It may sound stupid, but I’m glad you told me about your mother.”

Levi raises his eyebrow, angling his head over to me. “What do you mean?”

“I dunno, just…” I sigh and roll my eyes at myself, disappointed that I have to explain myself out of every situation. “It was encouraging, in a way. I dunno.”

Levi squints his eyes at me. “I guess I get it,” he turns his head to look back at the rain, which was pouring heavier than it had been so far. “‘Cause you relate to it, don’t you?” Levi phrases it in such a way that makes me feel like he _did_ get it. The feeling was rare - in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced something like that before.

“Yeah,” I sigh softly, “it was very admirable to hear that from you. I never thought someone like you would ever tell me something like that.”

“Someone like me?”

“Well, you’re my therapist, after all…”

“I don’t usually tell people about it, you know.”

My brows raise automatically, and I peer back over at Levi, who nonchalantly shrugs. “I just felt comfortable telling you about it.”

“That’s…”

Levi interrupts me. “Maybe a little stupid on my part, sure. I know I’m your therapist, I know _I’m_ supposed to be the one consoling you,” He crosses his arms and continued watching the rain pour, “but I don’t give a shit, Eren. If I didn’t want to tell you, I wouldn’t have.”

And now there’s that question that keeps tugging on the back of my mind. One that I wish I didn’t have to ask, but I so desperately want to know the answer to. Not being sure of whether or not my friendship is at stake if I ask this of him is making me feel way too fucking anxious, but the words spill out of my mouth anyway:

“What happened to your parents?”

Levi doesn’t move. He doesn’t face me, look at me, just remains staring at the rain. His face was truly expressionless; no features that I could distinguish and connect to an emotion other than emotionless. Abruptly, Levi shakes his head and looks downwards. “There’s not much to it.”

“I’m sorry, Levi, I don’t want to…”

“No, it doesn’t matter to me.” He turns towards me and crosses the space between us, but still allowing enough distance for a comfortable conversation. He looks up at me, and then glances back down. “It’s just… I’ve dealt with my shit, you know? I’m over it, so don’t be afraid to ask questions.” As he glances at me, the corners of his mouth lift at an attempt not to come off hostile.

“Your mother,” I pause, smiling stupidly. “What was her name?”

“Kuchel Ackerman.” He says nothing more, perhaps to avoid bringing up any further memories of his mother. I feel almost reluctant to ask more about her, but I’m genuinely curious…

“What was she like?”

“As I’ve told you, my father did kick both me and my mother out. That didn’t stop her, though. She always looked after me, and prioritised my needs before hers.” He smiles warmly, looking back down at his intertwined fingers. “Never did she act instinctively, always thinking in hindsight. However despite her wit, she couldn’t always prevent what would come to her.” His intake of breath sounds sharper than it was supposed to. “Along the way, she passed away.”

The build-up of stories of Kuchel made me think of how great she must’ve been to Levi. I feel bad for Levi. I know what’s it’s like to lose someone you’re so close to. “I’m sorry.”

“Thanks, but it’s fine.” He smiles and looks at me. “She was my own mother, the best mother I could have ever asked for.” I can tell that his own memories of her mean a great deal more to him than anything else in the world. However, I didn’t want to push the conversation any further than it had already gone. Levi tells me he’s fine talking about it, but that doesn’t mean I have to explore every corner of his past trauma; that would be incredibly harsh.

Levi sighs deeply, his fingers rubbing against his palms as he tries to keep himself warm. He settles for placing his hands back into his pockets. “Nothing to say?” His question catches me by surprise.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“You know, opening up to me.”

Levi grins cunningly. “Well, opening up to your friend is necessary sometimes.”

Levi’s use of the word “friend” makes me feel all the more stupidly giddy; a little weak in the legs, too… And I can already foretell that now, every time I’m in this park, with the same wonderful man standing next to me; in the same shitty weather as of now; all I’ll think of is that feeling of achieving something that I’ve been working my way up to. Trust in someone that I want. Trust in someone that I care about… and of course, Levi feeling the same way about me.

The rain seems to be clearing up; it’s merely lightly showering now. The birds’ tweeting continued, and the remnants of the water storm has been caught by the tree’s leaves.

“I’m kinda hungry.”

Levi chuckles quietly.

_What a heart-throb._

“Then let’s get a move on and grab a bite.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, reader.  
> Yes, the majority of that French was translated on a website, YES, I KNOW. AAA  
> in case you’re curious, this is what they’re saying:
> 
> “Excuse me, but do you speak in French?”
> 
> “Yes, can you help me, please?” “Oh, my god, I’m sorry but I really couldn’t understand your friend.”
> 
> “It’s fine, where are you going?”
> 
> “I want to go to the German Arts Museum. Do you know where it is?”
> 
> “Yeah, it’s at the end of this street on the right, near the Great Plaza.”
> 
> “Ah, okay, okay.” “Thank you very much.”
> 
> “Don’t mention it.”
> 
> ———————————  
> Thank you for spending your time here, enjoy the rest of your day!


	6. reconnecting friendships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of ‘the mischievous date’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi POV! I have another one planned soon, I believe chapter 8 will work out. I thought a Levi POV would work for this chapter. We get a little bit of insight on what Levi thinks of Eren, so yeah. Enjoy!

If you ever told me that one of my own clients - who happens to be extremely attractive and remarkably sweet-hearted - would be asking _me_ out on dates, I probably would have told you to spew your shit elsewhere. Later on, I would’ve realised that you’re right, and now, for once in my whole life, the joke’s on me. But this? I never predicted something like this to come into place.

Eren Jaeger, the brat with the emerald eyes; the brat who always wears a careless yet alluring smile; the brat who lit a fire under my ass as soon as he walked into my office. Right from the start, I thought to myself, “Hey, he’s quite distinct from the rest, isn’t he?” That speculation hasn’t left my mind since, and I’m glad it hasn’t. Somehow, he’s always delivered a sense of childlike wonder into my days, always tempting me to not be afraid and explore feelings that are out of my comfort-zone. He contrasts the serious part of work from the more carefree, liberated times outside of it. And God knows I need something like that.

After our runaway session from the short and sweet rainstorm, we find ourselves in desperate search for something to feed ourselves with. As we near the end of the path from the park, Eren, being the very attentive young man that he is, catches sight of a very small, possibly easy-to-miss building with the classic “EAT IN AND CHAT” tag on its window.

We enter the depreciated café. The aroma of the space smells like roasted coffee beans, a comforting smell during dark weather like the one we’re having right now. The rain has cleared, but somber clouds still remain in the sky, covering up any hope that we might catch some sunlight during the rest of the day. Although, I doubt there is any sun left at all; it’s already four o’clock, so it wouldn’t be unusual if it had set already.

We take a seat at the window, near the door. In hindsight, maybe we shouldn’t have chosen to sit here. It’s quite cold, sitting near the entrance door. I hush my complaint anyway, remaining seated and simply glancing at Eren, who was nebulously waving his hand for a waiter to take our order. He looks over his shoulder and asks me, “You know what you want, right?”

“Yeah.” I reply plainly. Eren returns to waving his hand, and I comment, “Don’t be so obscure about waving, Eren. Just put your hand straight up.”

“I don’t want to seem like some asshole.” he deadpans.

“Excuse me, you already look like a hipster douche with that stupid v-neck shirt of yours.” I snatch back at him, smirking halfway through my remark.

_I find myself too funny sometimes._

A slight blush covers Eren’s features, and I find myself basking in his reaction. Somehow, I can manage eliciting a reaction out of anyone if I try enough. Eren’s reactions are always priceless, though; it’s all the more encouraging to keep doing this to him.

Eren turns around towards me, halting his attempt at trying to call over a waiter. “I give up,” he crosses his arm like a child, and furthers his point, “you’re seriously pissing me off anyway.” I know I wasn’t, though. Eren was smiling all the way through what he said.

“Here, let me try.” I hold my hand up, and lock eye contact with a guy who, if I may be honest, looks like a horse. Hurriedly, he makes a B-line towards us, and upon closer inspection, I see his two-toned haircut: thick, blond locks painfully contrasted the shaved - yet still visible - brown, thin hairs underneath. How can kids make the worst fashion choices nowadays? A deep, forced sigh escapes my nostrils as I see a smirk plastered on his face (which, out of context, just looks fucking ridiculous). Rolling my eyes, I quickly realise that I must now actually interact with the horse.

“Hello,” I study his name tag, and continue, “ _Jean_. My friend here and I were trying to get your attention,” I stare at him intently, noticing rapidly that his face is scrunching up in discomfort, making him look like a very unattractive horse. My eyes linger on him for a little longer, expecting him to say something… but he doesn’t. Rather, he had instead turned his attention towards Eren. The horse’s mouth was ajar, so I decide on interrupting him. “Excuse me, are you deaf? Look at me.” I finally catch his attention, but not for a good reason. If we were in some slapstick cartoon, the horse would be fuming steam out of his ears like a fucking kettle.

“Alright, look, I’m terribly sorry, sir. But I swear I recognise _him_ from somewhere.” He gestures towards Eren, so I look at him, studying his face intently. Eren seems confused, which altogether sums up my own feelings, too.  
“I’m just trying to put my finger on it, but I’m not too sure.” The horse snaps his fingers every so often, putting emphasis on _how hard_ he must be thinking.

Awkwardly, I make eye contact with Eren, raising my eyebrows and quietly gesturing towards Jean as if I’m asking him, _“who the fuck is this guy?”_ To which his response is a very dubious expression. After a few seconds have passed, Eren quietly asks, “Are you Jean from Wall Maria High School?”

“Yes!” Jean exclaims, jumping in joy. “Yes, that’s me! And you’re that weirdo, Eren!” He laughs heartily, waving his hands. “I’m just joking, bro. All of that is behind us now. But look at you! You don’t look that different, actually.”

This idiot uses the word “bro” unironically, and by that judgement, I’m not too sure if I still want to associate myself with him much longer. Eren didn’t seem all too comfortable, either. I can imagine that thinking of his high school years isn’t exactly pleasant.

“Well, it really was only a year ago that we graduated.”

“Yeah,” Jean agrees, and proceeds to enlighten me with his story, “yo, this Eren dude was crazy. Like, he only talked to this blonde kid, he was such a loner.” Jean’s statement isn’t exactly eloquent; Eren’s face gives away that he’s in a state of apprehension. Of course, I don’t want him to feel anxious, so I try to shut the horse up, but he immediately interrupts me as I was about to.

 

“People kept calling you suicidal, man. Is that true?”

 

Eren fidgets in his seat silently.

 

He keeps opening and closing his mouth, but Jean breaks him off _again_. “Of course you weren’t, man! I’m just joking around, just busting your chops.” He whips out his notebook and a pen, and asks us in a fluent manner, as if he had already practiced saying the question so much beforehand, “Alright, what do you wanna order?”

My state of mind is extremely infuriated. I’m pretty sure that Eren can tell, because he quietly indicates to me to just tell the waiter what I want to drink. And so, I oblige.  
“I’ll have a black tea.”

“I’ll have a hot chocolate with cream, please.”

“Alright, coming right up.” The waiter returns back to the bar, appointing his coworker to fix up our drinks.

 

Chin leaning on his hand, Eren tries his best to look away from me, instead watching the few cyclists whizz by on the street. A very clear bob of his Adam’s apple conveys the jittering in his mind as I try to get his attention.

 

“Eren—”

 

“Levi, please. Don’t.” He interrupts me, keeping his eyes paved on the window beside us.

 

“I’m just saying, that can’t go unmentioned.”

 

There’s a stillness: both in what seems to be the movement and chatter of the café, as well as in our conversation. It’s ambiguous and agitating, and I had already guessed that no response to my statement would make up for the distressing silence.

 

Eren remains facing the window, but glances his eyes at me as he mumbles into his hand, “He doesn’t know me enough, alright?”

“That’s not an excuse.”

“Jean doesn’t know any better, he never has.”

 

He says that, yet I have this lurking awareness that there’s more behind that statement than meets the ear. I mean, ‘he never has’? What do I identify from a statement as cryptic as that? However, I disdain the topic, focusing on what Eren desires most.

“I’ll take your word on that.”

Eren smiles genuinely and grants me an adorable wink. “I promise.”

Eventually, Jean returns with the drinks we’d ordered. My black tea and Eren’s hot chocolate. “With cream!” Eren corrects me as I take note of his beverage.

Quickly, I grab hold of my desirable tea mug. It was served in a cute, little porcelain cup accompanied by a porcelain plateau. The floral pattern on the cup was extremely intricate, but didn’t suit my taste. My fingers clasp the edges of the cup - like a spider holding onto its caught prey - completely disregarding the cup’s perfectly chiseled handle. I guide the cup to my mouth, tilting it ever so slightly to allow the current of scorching hot tea to run down my tongue into my throat. To some, the liquid’s warmth may come off as painful, but I embraced the sensation of it. No other stimulus has ever been able to leave that exact impression as well as a hot cup of tea did.

Eren, whose mouth was covered in cream, curiously pointed at my hand. “Alright… how on earth are you doing that?” I nonchalantly shrug my shoulders in response, continuing to sip on my tea. Eren’s eyes watch every single move I make, as if it’s the most awe-inspiring thing he’s ever seen in the world.

“Don’t try it.” I suggest to him.

“Why not? Is it dangerous?” He asks, clearly filled with anticipation.

“No,” I clear my throat and impassively tell him, “you’d just look like an idiot if you tried.”

Eren’s clearly become immune to my insults, as he immediately retorts to asking me a question. “Why do you have the weirdest habits? First, you speak French, and now _this_?”

“I didn’t know being capable of speaking a second language is a weird habit.”

“You know what I mean. If it weren’t for today, I probably would have never known about all of that.”

“Well, it’s a good thing that we hung out today, then.”

Eren nods cheerfully in response, smiling a dazzling beam at me, right before he chugs a presumably large gulp of his beverage as he tips his head back.

 

“Eren.”

Eren hums as he gracefully wipes some cream off his mouth with his sleeve. “Mm—Yeah, Levi?”

“Do you know how old I am?”

Eren makes an idiotic ‘duh’ face, answering my question in less than a second. “You’re, like, mid-twenties, right?”

I shake my head solemnly. _This kid really has no clue_.

“Twenty-eight?”

“Nope.”

“Thirty?”

“I’m thirty-five.”

Eren’s mouth makes an ‘oh’ shape as he adjusts himself in his seat again. His face turned from cheerful to utterly confused in such a short time; it’s hilariously ridiculous that he thinks I’m that young. Slowly, he wraps his hands around his mug of hot chocolate. “Well, I couldn’t have known… you were quite ambiguous about it.” Eren scratches his head contemplatively, and then continues, “Actually, that topic never really arose, did it…?”

“Well, there was no need for it, really.”

“So… _you_ ,” he repeats as a whisper, pointing at me, “are thirty-five years of age?”

“Yes.”

 _Silence._ However, he doesn’t seem entirely discouraged. All that Eren is capable of doing is sitting there, in disbelief, trying to wrap his head around what I just told him. A sceptical raise of his left eyebrow conveys how incredulous he finds that fact. “You don’t look it.”  
“Thank you.” I take his statement as a compliment, but it wasn’t the first time I’ve been praised for that trait of mine.

“I’m nineteen years old, by the way.”

“Eren, I already know.”

“Just checking if you know!”

“Why are you so keen on me knowing that?”

“Because…” he pauses, wringing his hands nervously, “I dunno! Just wanted you to know! Don’t question it.”

“I know you’re _legal_ , if that’s something that you wanted to convey to me.”

Eren blushes the darkest shade of red so far, and I immediately can’t help but smirk deliberately, further mocking and provoking him for another reaction. And boy, does he supply.

“No! Don’t get any ideas! I just… oh fuck me…” he covers his face with his hands. I pick up on those last few words he just spoke aloud, and respond humbly:

“That’s a little upfront, but I might take you up on that offer.”

He squeals - yes, _squeals_ \- after I make my joke of wanting to bone him. He remains still, his face buried in his hands to take cover from whatever was going on between us now.

“God,” he mumbles into his hands, probably blushing profusely. “You make me feel so fucking undignified sometimes…”  
“Your words, not mine.” I laugh heartily, unwillingly feeling a smile plaster on my face as I look at Eren trying to cover his embarrassment with his hands. The sight was idiotically mesmerising.

I sigh and look away from him, directing my gaze towards Jean and his coworker. They seem to be very chatty, Jean acting very animatedly as the couple occasionally looks over at our table. As time passes, our waiter comes over with the bill and a few chocolate sweets along with it. Eren eyes it intently, darting his eyes up at me.

“I’m paying.” I halt him before he says anything that might be potentially embarrassing for himself. I don’t have a problem with paying for our drinks - the cost wasn’t even two figures - I just have a problem with Eren making such a fuss about it. His expression gave away clearly that he was considering paying, but I seriously don’t want to trouble him.  
“All… right.” He hesitantly whispers, putting away the item he was meanwhile removing out of his pocket. He shakes his head, smiles reassuringly and tells me, “I won’t argue.”

We stand up, slowly making our way to the door as we quickly garb ourselves with our jackets. Jean’s coworker comes over, hurriedly making his way to Eren as he exclaims, yelling his name. Eren’s surprise halts him mid-stride, turning to see the man who was trying to get his attention.

Eren’s face makes a rather sheepish expression, his gaze immediately settling on the man as soon as he sees him. He nods gingerly, his hand wavering awkwardly in an attempt to say hello. “Oh, hi, Marco.” He sounds more half-hearted than he did when he greeted Jean. However, the man, Marco, didn’t seem to notice either way.  
“Eren! It’s amazing to see you after so many months.” He smiles authentically at Eren, and Eren attempts to return a similar ravishing smile. He fails, of course, and instead looks quite passionless. How come he was acting this way, all of a sudden, with Marco? Even when Jean was completely shitting all over Eren’s self-esteem, he seemed to accept it. With Marco, however… there seems to be some subtext that I can’t put my finger on what it is. “I’m happy to see you out and about, Eren. I was wondering how you were doing after all this time, you know.” He scratches the back of his neck nervously, as if he’s run out of things to say. The awkward tension that Eren’s created with his low-key passive aggressive behaviour must have Marco backed into a corner. Marco fumbles on his words, but asks Eren thoroughly, “Are you and Armin still hanging out?”

“Yeah, we kind of have to.” He nods tentatively, looking down at his feet as he does so.

“Ah. Right.”

Marco twiddles his thumbs tensely and looks back at Jean, who’s taking other customers’ orders. He bites his lip apprehensively, as if he’s considering if he would even dare to mention what he wants to tell Eren.

“Jean and I are still sticking together, working things out.”

Eren looks at Marco. He inhales and exhales intensely, trying his best not to let his breathing sound too ragged. Obviously, what Marco had just mentioned must’ve struck a nerve or two. Regardless, Eren tries to smile, telling Marco wholly, “I’m really glad you are, Marco. I wish you two the best.”  
Marco finally smiles at Eren again, however it still seems like he feels partially restless. If he did, he undoubtedly tried his best to cover up those feelings.

“We should all hang out together soon.” Marco looks over at me, finally realising that I’ve been listening to their exchange the whole time. “Oh, sorry! I’m one of Eren’s old friends from high school, Marco.”

“Levi. Friend of Eren’s.” I nod at Marco and he smiles back at me.  
“Here. I’ll give you Jean’s and my number.” Eren slowly takes out his phone, pulling up his contacts list. He hands over his phone to Marco, who rapidly types in their phone numbers. He hands the phone back over to Eren. “We’d both love to see you soon again.”  
“Yeah, we will.” Eren looks at me, and then back at Marco.  
I’m not too sure if Eren even wants to do this himself, but it’s far more important to make him socialise with his old friends, especially during a time like this. He needs this, so I’m not going to discourage him.

“Eren, it’s getting darker, we should get going.”

“Right.”

Eren and I wave goodbye, thanking them for their delicious drinks and company.  
“See you later, Eren!” Marco waves enthusiastically. “Say hi to Armin for us!”

Eren’s smile was the brightest and most warm-hearted I’d seen it then. Despite the fact that he seems to dislike Marco and Jean, it feels almost as if he does consider them to be close friends. And that, maybe, after all this time, he can finally be “normal” and have more friends that he can spend his time with.

 

“I’ll walk you home.”

 

“Thanks, Levi.”

 

The warmly glowing street lights light up the pavement just enough so we can see the cold cement we’re walking on. The silence between us is bearable, no gusts of wind to interrupt us from our little stroll in the evening. No people are around, either. Only the pleasant, fresh smell of the rain on the concrete reminds us that we’re currently outside rather than experiencing a nearly senseless simulation.  
Eren breaks the silence, asking me curiously,

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Enjoy what?” I ask him in response.

“You know…” I turn my head towards him. He’s biting his lip nervously, wringing his hands as he struggles to get his words out. “Did you like it… the date?”

I smile to myself silently. “I loved it.” I take my left hand out of my pocket, delicately grabbing a firm hold of Eren’s right hand. We swing our hands leisurely in sync to our steps, never breaking our pace.

Eren sighs softly, a damp mist emitting from his mouth in the cold temperature. He tightens his grip around my hand, making sure not to let go. “I really like this,” He remarks, looking down at me, smiling cutely. “I hope we can do this again soon.”  
I tell him fondly, “There’ll be many more opportunities.” He giggles beautifully, and I can’t help but think that this man, Eren Yeager, is going to bring so many more good things into my life other than his incredibly attractive being and cute charm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little bit of fluff at the end there which should hopefully lead towards something more in a few chapters (if I don’t change my mind)  
> Hope you enjoyed! Let me know if you’re liking the story so far.


	7. high school memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rollercoaster of emotions as we delve into the teenage past of Eren Yeager.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a week or so longer to post this one chapter, but don’t worry, I’ve been writing future chapters whilst I was busy getting this one down, too. So those should be out sooner.

“Oh God, we’re gonna be so late!”

Armin rushes towards the school hall entrance, glancing at his wristwatch every half second. Despite the fact that we’d left home only five minutes later, it was enough time to drive Armin completely insane. He’s always determined to get to school on time; a principle that has surpassed my own standards ever since I started attending high school, which was three years ago, by now.

He hurriedly pushes open the glass door’s handlebar, holding it open for me, along with other students and teachers that were also walking in. The bright red lockers vary from the blue, grey and black colours of clothing that you see surrounding them, crazily stamping through the hall in a crowd. Teenagers who were desperate to get to their locker form a blurry picture of motion, displaying the frantic movement of the single-minded kids.

I spot Jean and Marco talking to each other, standing by their lockers, which were conveniently next to each other, opposite of mine. A delicate fuse in my head pops as I see the pair exchanging smiles and laughter through their conversational topics.

Maybe I should have accepted it by now, but I can’t help but think those envious thoughts of Marco as I watch them interact. They were intimate with each other; perhaps already more than friends. What I couldn’t provide to Jean was able to be delivered by Marco effortlessly. I only wished that maybe I could finally be closer to Jean than I was at the moment. Just wished I could experience some time alone with Jean.

I craved Jean’s company more than anything else. We really weren’t close, but he had been the kindest guy to me in school, aside from Marco and Armin. We had those occasional moments where we both knew we could relate to each other on some level… or at least that’s what I like to make myself believe. The point is, I had been yearning for Jean as soon as he greeted me in period one - geography - on the first day of September, three years ago. And ever since, we’ve kind of been stale with hurrying a real friendship along. It was my fault, though: I’ve always been way too awkward and socially inept when it comes to interacting with people, especially if you feel _something_ for them. However, whether that “something” was pure lust or unconditional love, I couldn’t work out, especially since I was only sixteen years old.

Marco immediately spots Armin and me as we walk closer to our designated lockers. Marco particularly indicates to me to come over and talk to him, so I make my way towards him, trying not to barge into any people as I idly walk through the stampede of teens.

“Eren, hey.”

I nod, asking him what he wants.

“Actually, I wanted to tell you something before class, but it’s starting soon.” He uses his thumb to gesture towards his locker. “Just meet me here after period two, alright?”

I nod my head in affirmation, waving goodbye as I march to my locker to get my books out for my next class: biology. Armin and I march along to the classroom, guiding ourselves through the hordes of barbaric, animalistic idiots around us. We enter the class and I immediately make my way over to my desk.

A frown forms on my face as I see the number of carved messages embellished into my wooden desk. I read every single word in my head carefully, processing them as I imagine the malice intended to affect me.

**SUICIDAL BASTARD**  
**HOMO**  
**FAGGOT!!!**

Trying not to let my discontent show, I look over to Armin, to see if he had noticed it, too. However, he was already making his way over to his desk, which was quite far from my own. I choose to disregard it, settling for placing my books on my desk so no one can notice what I was just subjected to. Hastily, I sit down and flip through my biology workbook to check if I had done the homework. As soon as I see that I have, I thank the gods for not letting me down.

“Hey, Yeager.”

Sighing, I quickly turn my head around to meet eyes with the guy behind me. I’m not even sure how he knows my name, because I sure don’t know his, but I can definitely distinguish that face from somewhere. He’s just some asshole, especially to me.

“Don’t call me ‘Yeager.’”

“You got an eraser?”

I nod my head slowly as I think as to why exactly he needs an eraser. It’s a little arguable, but I hand one over anyway, hoping that it’ll work out in my favour - sort of as a form of good karma, I guess. But then again, I should know better than to make iffy assumptions.

The teacher, Mr Shadis, walks in right as the bell rings. “Alright, class, settle down!” He tries catching our attention, and everyone immediately quiets down. He thanks the class, continuing to explain what we’re doing.

“Today, we will be studying the anatomy of the kidneys intently, which should prepare you for the dissection of the pig kidneys this Wednesday. ”

The whole class groans obnoxiously as someone remarks that we’ve already gone through the process of learning about this, but he disdains it anyway.  
“Open your textbooks to page one-hundred and fifty-eight. I will be handing out a sheet for you to fill in the labels on the kidney diagram.”

He writes in a bold font on the chalkboard with his white chalk, “158”, turning around to face us again once he finishes. Mr Shadis particularly eyes the slacker in the front row, who was drowsily dowsing off already. He slams his hand on his own desk, suddenly waking the teen up; a sadistically satisfied smile crosses Mr Shadis’ face. He continues walking along the classroom. “This is independent work, so I expect full concentration and silence from all of you!”

He hands a stack of sheets to every person at the front. They all grab a sheet, passing it further down the row. 

I take my textbook and pen out. I flip to the page, and stare at the diagram of the kidney. I repeat the information to myself as my eyes lazily roll over the words, “renal vein, renal artery… water and glucose are reabsorbed in the blood…”

I sigh. This is pointless. All school ever does these days is fill our heads with lousy information that in no way, shape or form could help us in the future. School is the conveyor belt that sets up adults for minimal succession in their lives, dishing them out, left and right.

The thought crosses my mind quickly, but something else catches my attention. Constantly, a small, nearly microscopic object keeps hitting the back of my neck. I turn around and catch the asshole behind me, who was cutting my eraser up into tiny specks of white rubber. _Was he throwing that shit at me?_

I hold my hand, signaling for him to hand it over. He shakes his head.

“Give it back.” I repeat once more.

His eyes drift over my body as he continues to pester me. “I’m not finished with it, _Yeager_.” He continues cutting it up, digging his fingernails into it and tearing it apart slowly. His eyes remain locked on mine, searching for a reaction.

“Give it back, you ass.” I whisper the words hesitantly as I stand up. I look over at Armin, who directly makes eye contact with me. He mouthed the words, “sit down,” but I couldn’t help it. I’m tired of being treated like a doormat; I need to prove that I can stand up for myself.

“Whatcha gonna do, Yeager? Call over your blond, little boyfriend to kick my ass?” He chuckles slightly, and with that, he finally snaps the eraser in half. I know he’s basking himself in watching my eyebrows crease as the corners of my mouth twitch irritatingly. He tosses the rubber pieces at me, my eyes darting towards my chest as I watch the fragments lousily bounce off of me. However, I can’t help but bark at him.

“You piece of shit.” I growl, snarling at his face.

“Eren, what are you doing over there? Sit down!” Mr Shadis calls out to me, barking at me similarly to how I did seconds ago. My head turns towards his yell.

Everyone’s gaze is fixed on me. Every single person in this room is watching me. And that stupid fucking thought comes back, kicking my head like it needs to nail itself into my mind; engraving itself, once again, harsher into my existence. And I wish I could stop it, but I can’t. Given that at this point, I’ve really lost all of my ignorance; all of my security; every meagre speck of pride that remained in my soul.

 

_I wish I wasn’t here._  
_That’s right, I don’t want to be here._

_I’m a humiliation._

_Just a fucking humiliation._

_Humiliation. Humiliation. Humiliation. Humiliation. Humiliation. Humiliation. Humiliation._

 

My head feels like it’s spinning.

_Keep yourself together._

I sit down silently, my eyes drifting along the sea of heads directed towards me. I remain there, and as my eyes linger on the other pairs a little longer, I just feel this urge to cower and shy away from everyone, like I usually do. Therefore, I can’t be hurt as much as I would be if I didn’t try to protect myself.

Tentatively, my head bows down to rest in my crossed arms. Faintly, I can feel the plastic paper sheets from my textbook, and I trace my finger along them, just to assure myself that, _yes_ , this is indeed reality. I grind my forehead against my arms, burying my face deeper into them, trying to distract myself from the chanting around me. The hushed whispers sound like a cacophony to my ears, and as the tears start forming, I try to silence my wallows by biting my lip. Yet, that stupid bulge in my throat feels the need to choke me, so it’s nearly impossible for me not to sound like a dead pig grasping onto its dear life.

_Whatever._

Yes, _whatever_. That’s the only thought in my head. I am so degraded that now, I even degrade myself for acting the way I do. Maybe, I’m really not worth it. Maybe I wasn’t worth living for. And that’s why everyone can’t help but laugh at my pitiful being. That’s why Grisha… abused me.

My eyes clench harder and my throat feels hoarser than ever before. Judging by the cool droplets of tears on my textbook that graze my chin, I can confirm that I look like a mess.

_Why the fuck does it have to be me?_

All that I wish for is this lesson to be over soon.

 

After both period one and two, I head my way over to Marco’s locker, dodging any potential drama by avoiding eye contact with every person I pass in the hallway. I can already feel their stares boring into me. Luckily, I already see Marco leaning against his locker. He sees me and politely waves, and as I walk closer to him he immediately greets me.

“Thanks for coming.” Marco smiles at me softly. He notices the obvious deadpan expression on my face. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” _No, I’m fucking awful. But why should you care?_ “What do you need?”

“Oh, well…” Marco goes silent for a few seconds, looking around him attentively before continuing, “I need to tell you something.”

I nod and prepare myself for what he’s about to enlighten me with. It can’t be any worse than what I’ve had to deal with so far, right?

“You see, I feel comfortable telling you about this since I’m sure you know a little about the topic.” He giggles a little, a wide smile crosses his face as he tells me delightfully, “I think I’m into guys, Eren.”

My worry kicks in. Marco is gay. Possibly. And it’s very likely that I know why he’s realised something like that. So is there a way to change his mind? Probably not.

“How do you know?”

Marco’s cheeks blush bright and flamboyantly. “Oh come on, Eren. You know this.” He jokes, looking away from me to look at someone else. I follow his gaze, and immediately, my heart drops down to my fucking stomach. My hitched breath can’t catch itself, and the blood that previously flowed through my veins has now temporarily stopped. For a fleeting moment, it was impossible not to feel heartbroken; not with such a deadweight heart weighing me down.

Every time I had watched Marco and Jean talking, Jean must’ve been enjoying Marco’s company. The annoyance and envy I felt coursing through my body every time I saw them together had now infinitely multiplied. Of course Marco likes Jean! It’s the perfect way to sabotage my functions for trying to live out my own fucking life.

“I like Jean, a lot.”

_Shut up._

“We’re really close. So I’m really scared to ask him out, you know?”

_Just stop already._

“I don’t wanna, like, set myself up and ruin our friendship.”

“Well, you’ve got nothing to lose, right?” _I couldn’t give two shits if you do._

Marco laughs heartily. _Annoying._ “Well, I guess you’re right.”

There’s an awkward silence. For a while, I watch him hesitantly debate on whether or not he should talk more about Jean. Clearly, I didn’t seem thrilled enough about his confession. Is he disappointed in knowing that I don’t seem to care at all? I assume so, because he’s giving me this look as if he wants me to say something like “Oh my god, you two would make such a great couple!” Or anything that might make him more excited about asking Jean out. But I don’t take the cue, instead just watching him blankly. And now he just seems uncomfortable contrasted with his previous wonderfully childlike mood. That’s my fault, too.

Although I feel like I’m on the brink of losing my faith in humanity, I’m not necessarily giving in to the end of my life. There’s no need to tell him how I feel about Jean. If I did, that would make both our lives a living hell. Besides… the least I can do is be happy for him. No matter if they’ll still be together in the future, all I can do is wish the best to him and Jean.

“Good luck, Marco.”

My statement surprises Marco, that much was clear when his eyebrows raised. He smiles genuinely. “Thank you, Eren.”

Was that all he wanted from me? My blessing? Why does he want me to be okay with him asking Jean out?

He looks over at his watch, studying it intently as he begins to unlock his locker. “Class is about to start.”

“Yeah.”

As I start collecting my books and heading towards my next class, I brace myself for whatever bullshit the day has to hurl at me next. However, knowing that I’m sitting next to Armin in my next two lessons slightly puts me at ease.

 

I go through the rest of my day, pretending not to be hurt by the petty insults of others. For instance:

I’m sitting next to Armin, who’s mindlessly chatting away about his options for university, and I hear two guys talking shit, blatantly loudly, about me during lunch.

 _“Dude, I heard that Yeager kid totally likes sucking dick!”_ This one guy is like.  
_“Yeah, man, he’s totally a faggot.”_ The other guy is like, while he laughs.  
_“You think he takes it up the butt?”_ The first idiot asks.  
_“Yeah, totally, man! I bet he sticks his thumb up his ass like this…”_ The guy responds, followed by a strange, nasal sound that you can’t quite place your finger on what the fuck it’s supposed to represent.  
His friend laughs like a fucking idiot, warning his friend that, _“Dude, you’re making my coke spurt out of my nose!”_

By now, I wasn’t listening, considering I didn’t want to lose my appetite. Well, technically I had already lost that ever since I had a single bite of the school’s lunch.

After a long day, the bell finally rings. School’s over. And I’m quite glad, to be honest. Whilst I walk with Armin to the front entrance of the school, I look around once more. Jean and Marco are walking off outside, probably going into town.

Of course my heart still hurts as I see them… but I’m helpless. It’s soul-crushing, but that’s exactly what a crush does to you. They crush you, no matter what; that’s how it ends up. And whether the crushing of your heart and confidence is done on purpose or by accident, the person subject to it will never realise what they’ve really done to you. They’ll never notice, unless you wear your heart on your sleeve. Of course, I choose to be stubborn about that stuff, so my love will never be requited as long as it’s never even taken note of.

“Armin?”

Armin, who was walking a little faster than I was, turns around to face me. He smiles and responds, “Eren?”

We continue walking together at a reasonable pace. “Do you have a crush on someone?”

“Me?” He asks in surprise as he points at himself.

I laugh, “No, I totally meant to ask Mr Pixis.” I wave my hands in the air like a maniac. “You totally got me, Armin!”

Armin giggles before telling me, “Well, I guess not…” he looks at me and quietly asks me in a whisper, “Do you?”

I bite my lip a little. Is it worth telling him about this? No, not really…

“Nah.”

Armin hums delightfully.

The sound of students chattering, bickering and bitching away finally starts to fade. The simple sounds of nature come into play: tweets of birds, rustling of wind, amongst other mundane things that happen in life.

“If you did have a crush, would you tell me?”

I subconsciously nod my head. “I’d tell you anything, Armin.”

“Good. I’m here for you, you know.”

“I know, it’s just… things are tough at school.”

Armin sighs heavily, as if he’s fed up of me telling him that. “I realise that. I want to help, but you’re not letting me, Eren.” Granted, he was speaking the truth.

“That’s because your idea of help is telling the principal.”

“You think it’s not reasonable?” His head’s turned towards me as he asks me in disbelief.

“That would be snitching, Armin.” I tell him, in a matter-of-fact way.

“No, it wouldn’t!” Armin stops walking, stamping his foot on the ground. “You go through this stuff every week, Eren. You deserve better.” He sighs disappointingly, grabbing hold of my arms as if he’s trying to shake some sense into me. “Please, let me do this for you!” What he says seems more like a statement that is meant to challenge me. It’s kind of a double-edged sword: if I say no, he’ll consider me to be irresponsible and dumb. Whereas if I say yes, he’ll think I’ll always need his help since I’m incapable of taking care of something myself.

So what’s the better option? Well… I don’t know. But if there’s one way to pay Armin back mildly for all the times he’s saved and helped me, this would be a way to start doing that.

With a final sigh that gravely leaves my lips, I give in to him. “You know what, sure. Whatever.”

Armin squeals, running into my arms and hugging me with a tight grasp. “Thank you, Eren! Thank you!” He hugs me tighter and tighter, brushing off the fact that I might be choking to death. But even if I was, I wouldn’t be complaining, not if I’m finally in someone’s embrace like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know if you’re liking the story.
> 
> And thank you all so much for 600+ hits so far, it truly warms my heart. I enjoy writing this as much as you enjoy reading it.


	8. repeated interrogatives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hange finally finds about Eren and Levi, and she can’t help but question him on the matter.  
> Also, we find out Levi owns a little kitty!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Just a heads up, I will be busy for the rest of the week and not be near any Internet. I’ll be back by Saturday. So, for now, enjoy the new chapter!

My hands lazily search through my coat’s pocket, looking for the vital keys that should unlock the glass, opaque door that I stand in front of. I can barely see, and my sight certainly wasn’t being enhanced by the broken LED bulbs that usually light up the apartment bells and the names of the handful of people that live here. As I hear a jingle in my coat, my fingers clasp the cold, nearly foreign metal in my pocket. My hand fishes them out, slamming the first key that comes close into contact with the keyhole into it, testing whether or not it’s the key fit for the front door of the building.

“Fuck.”

Both my hands are now feeling the ridges of all my keys, trying to depict what the right key looks like. After some trial and error, I settle on the correct key, tantalisingly pressing it in and simultaneously pushing the door open. Trying to push the door open requires more energy than one would expect. Despite the fact that I’ve been living here for the past nine years, it never fails to catch me by surprise. It’s like pulling up an ancient weed. The similar amount of brute, unexpected force is required to pull the almost alien life form that’s rooted itself way too deep into the ground.

As I open the door, I slightly stumble over the small porch that I forgot even existed. If only it was a little lighter for me to see… what’s the time, anyway?

A quick glance at my watch widens my eyes a substantial amount more than I wanted them to originally.  
It’s already nine o’clock? I guess time really does fly sometimes.

Digging my keys back into my pocket, I climb the stairs in the hallway; every step I take while I ascend gradually weighs me down. However, I remain escalating as my hand grabs onto the staircase’s handle, pulling myself up.

Reaching the final (and second) floor, my feet drag me towards my door, as is routine. I take out my keys again, patiently and cunningly pressing the correct key into the door. It opens with a click; I gently push it open. Kicking my shoes off, I drop my coat to the floor, and immediately make a B-line to my sofa. Like a dog in heat, I automatically mount the comforting body of softness. Curling up desperately yet calmly with a number of pillows, I slather my face, torso and limbs with the malleable balls of feathers — similar to how a dog would jump its mate.

_Well, maybe that’s a little too vulgar._

The point is, I’m enjoying every fucking second of finally laying down and relaxing. It’s time for me to be alone, with my own thoughts. Just me, myself and I. The last thing I need is some prick to interrupt me in the middle of it. But the chances of that is slim to none, considering it’s quite late already.

A generic ringtone quickly puts a halt to my happiness. I groan in complete agony.

My hand reaches towards my pocket, pulling the phone out and not even bothering to glance at the caller ID. Whoever it is, I have all the right to scream at them as much as my phone is at the moment.

However, before I can even say a single word, I hear a woman’s voice on the other end. _“Levi!”_ A call of my name — which sounds more like a screeching mating call — allows me to get a vague idea of who I’m talking to.

“Four Eyes?”

 _“Yes, Levi! Where on earth have you been?”_ The voice on the other end, Hange, asks me worriedly.

“More like why the _fuck_ are you calling me at this hour?”

_“Oh, shush. Trust me, I took into account your policy regarding of when to call you.”_

“Right,” I say, rubbing my eyes, “what was that again?”

 _“Don’t call you after ten o’clock. And currently it is…”_ the other line pauses for a second, presumably checking the time on her phone, _“four minutes to ten!”_

Classic Hange. Of course she’ll disregard the fact that it’s only four minutes to ten. Regardless, I sigh and continue rubbing my eyes. “You got me,” I admitted, faking my defeat, “what do you need, Four Eyes?”

_“Well, being the antisocial creature that you are, you haven’t been checking your phone.”_

“How would you know?”

 _“Oh, well…”_ she trailed off, obviously trying to build up to her next sarcastic remark, _“maybe because I sent you about one million messages, and didn’t get a reply to any of them?”_

“I was out with a friend.”

 _“A friend?”_ Hange stresses the word “friend,” obviously showing her sudden interest in my daily life for once. _“I didn’t know you knew other people other than me and Erwin.”_

I can’t help but feel that Hange is like a mother interrogating me after I’ve just come home an hour past my curfew.

“Well, I do. Why the fuck does it matter, anyway?”

_“Don’t be rude now, Levi. Tell me about this friend of yours!”_

A groan escapes my lips; the low hum vibrates my throat and chest. “He’s just a guy, Hange.”

 _“Woah, that’s a little disrespectful to your friend.”_ Hange doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, only quietly humming as if she’s trying to think. _“Are you hiding something from me?”_

“What? No, of course not.”

 _“Are you sure?”_ The was she stretches out her “sure” really bothers me.

“Are you trying to get on my fucking nerves, Four Eyes? I said, he’s just a guy. There’s nothing else to him.”

_“You’re acting very defensive about it, Levi.”_

“Fine, whatever.” I sigh desperately in an attempt to elicit some sympathy from Hange. When I get no comforting response, I only assume that right now, she has the smuggest smirk plastered on her face. You can imagine how that makes me feel. “You’ve met him before.”

Hange doesn’t say anything, instead choosing to think through the list of people she knows that I know myself. I want to remark how she’s finally using her head, but I resist, allowing Hange to take her time.

However, after a solid minute of silence, I hear a squeal louder than I’d ever heard in my life. She basically shouts directly into her phone, _“Is it that really adorable client of yours?”_

Knowing Hange’s taste in partners, I needed her to be a little more specific than that. “Do you have a name?”

_“Eren Yeager, right?”_

“Jesus Christ,” I sigh again, scratching the back of my neck. “You got it right on the fucking nose, Four Eyes.”

And with that, Hange screams louder and louder by the second. _“Holy shit! You’re banging your client?”_

“No, I’m not banging him.” Although, I wish I could.

She squeals even louder now. _“No way! You’re dating?”_

“No,” I rethink my answer for a second. “Well, not really, I guess.”

Hange gasps, presumably in shock _and_ for air, since she’s been writhing and screaming in excitement for the past two minutes. _“Is my poor, little Levi pining for Eren?”_

“Shut up, Four Eyes.”

 _“Levi has a crush!”_ I frown immensely as I hear the vowel in “crush” get dragged on much longer than was necessary. _“Does he like you back?”_ Her anticipated question finally comes, and I silently think it through.

“I’m pretty sure he does, yes.”

_“Oh my gosh! I need to tell Erwin—”_

“No, Hange. Hold on.” She immediately silences, and I politely try my best to make my next point as understandable as possible: “You can’t tell anyone. Not for now, at least.”

“What? Why?”

“Just…” my eyes drift along my apartment. I catch sight of my beloved little kitten, Pandora. Her paws tread along the parquet floor, her hips wiggling in sync with her steps. She jumps lightly on my lap, nuzzling my thigh as if she’s begging to be petted. I comply as my fingers scratch her head gently, softly, soothingly. She purrs under my touch and I can’t help but smile. I nearly forgot that I’m currently talking to Hange. “People can’t know, alright?” Hange sighs, but she doesn’t make any remarks. However, her silence — although it’s wordless; speechless; mute — tells me that she’s disappointed. I try to further explain my situation. “People will judge me.”

 _“Levi…”_ I can hear the grimace in her tone. It breaks my heart. I continue heavily petting Pandora, who continues to purr and show that’s she’s enjoying my attention. _“You need to stop worrying about that.”_

“He’s my client.”

_“Why do you even care? No one would give a shit. Love is love.”_

“Love is a very strong word.” I chime in as I remind her of that fact.

_“Well, regardless of that, I’m sure he wouldn’t care either.”_

“You don’t know that, Hange.”

 _“And maybe I don’t. But every time that kid approaches my desk to see you, his eyes light up brighter than ever. And it’s all because of you, Levi. I can tell.”_ I nod my head a little. Maybe Hange is right. _“Don’t lose hope. I know something will happen.”_

“You think so?”

_“I know so.”_

Finally, an irreplaceable smile crosses my features. I say it’s irreplaceable given that the reason it’s there is because of Eren. Thinking of Eren, knowing that he’s there for me — and legitimately might like me back — it fills my heart to the fucking brim with glee.

After a long pause, Hange finally asks, _“Please let me tell Erwin?”_

I sigh again. That smile is still playing at my lips. It refuses to leave. “Sure, Four Eyes. But Eren and I are not dating. Clear?”

 _“As clear as crystal gets.”_ She replies without hesitation.

“Alright,” I continue scratching Pandora’s furry neck. She looks nearly asleep. Which reminds me to tell Hange, “next time, for reference, please text me before you call me, Hange.”

_“Aw, you’re no fun, Levi!”_

Suddenly, Pandora meows softly, grinding her head in the crevice of my elbow. I’m certain that she’s meowing since she hasn’t eaten since this morning.

“I gotta go. I think Panda needs her dinner.” Hange whines as well. After a monologue about how I treat Pandora better than my own friends, I simply respond with, “whatever, Four Eyes,” and say my goodbye right before hanging up.

Hange can be obtrusive most of the time, but it’s all for a good reason.

Pandora jumps up from my lap, pacing across the room to the hallway towards the kitchen. With a final groan, I stand up and follow her. 

Ever since Hange and I started getting to know each other, so many years ago in uni, she noticed that I pushed everyone away from myself. I was always like that; considering what I had gone through up until then, I had a tendency to be clinical in my approach to everything, including people. However, she worked me through it. She was the first person ever who was persistent enough to continue talking to me. She showed her worth by sticking at my side, through thick and thin. And I can’t be more grateful for her than anyone else.

And… I have a feeling that Eren might be the same. Or more than that, even.

When I walk into the kitchen, I reach for the generic brand of cat food in the cupboard. Using the scoop inside the bag, I carefully place two measured cups of the flakes in her bowl, along with some water in a separate bowl. Pandora watches me as I make my way to the sink and wash my hands thoroughly. I give her a careful scratch right before I leave. She seems content as she finally digs into her food.

Heading towards my bedroom, I assure myself to open the window to clear the air inside. An amber hue of multiple streetlights naturally pour into my room, shining on the grey carpet and walls — generally just juxtaposing the (overall) dull interior of the room. Increasingly, as I get changed I notice that that lovely petrichor smell from the rainstorm still remains in the air.

I’m simply unable to refrain myself from thinking of Eren.

The way the corners of his mouth curve up in a smile in a spontaneous manner, his incredibly bright eyes, his ingenuous responses… never had I met someone like him.  
It’s blunt to admit that I know what’s wrong with him. He’s dealt with an awful past, and there’s no doubt in my mind that there is more to him than meets the eye. And as awful as it sounds, uncovering his secrets is something that scares me.

Almost on cue as I’m about to get into bed, I hear a ring from my phone. It must be a message. Heading over to my desk, I reach for it carefully, trying not to trip or knock over anything along the way.

My heart picks up its pace as I read the text:

__**Unknown ID**  
This is Eren. Just wanted to make sure I messaged you before I forgot to  
**10:26PM**

I quickly unlock my phone to put Eren into my contacts list. Following this, I immediately respond back to him.

_That’s fine._

My eyes rapidly blink as I quickly type, _“look forward to seeing you tomorrow.”_ My finger hesitantly hovers over the send button, but after careful consideration, I tap the button firmly.

Okay, sent.

I bite my lip as the minutes pass. Maybe I was a little too straightforward? Well, no, that wouldn’t be a problem with him, would it? God, I’m putting way too much thought into this.

I’m currently wrapping myself with my blanket, sheet in one hand, phone in the other. Small waves of anxiety pool over me as I consider the range of things Eren might be busy with right now, in case he simply wasn’t able to respond to or read my message. However, a quick “ping” has me tackling my phone again in no time.

__**Brat**  
I can’t wait.  
**10:37PM**

_An owl’s cooing remarked the beginning of the night. And although it was nighttime, it didn’t seem to bother Eren in the slightest._

_His hand was still clasped around mine, holding onto it for dear life, as if it was the most vital thing that had ever happened in his life. Even as we walked towards his house, I could tell by the little comments of “this is wonderful” and “thank you for today” that he did not want today to end yet. Clearly, today meant a lot to him, it was _our day_ , after all._

_When we reached his doorstep, he reluctantly let go of me. His eyes darted up to mine and simply gazed at me. His temptful lip bite unintentionally intrigued me. And of course, that fucking smile returned on his face. Those visual cues told me exactly everything I needed to know. Eren wasn’t thinking, and the words simply just left his mouth before he could even process them himself._

_“Do you want my number?”_

_The young, bright-eyed brat asked me inquisitively, but the question didn’t surprise me. As soon as he asked, I could tell that he immediately regretted his intrusive thoughts; a relentless feud in his head was taking place, if the writhing of his hands was anything to go by. Yet, doesn’t that make the question all the more genuine? Despite the fact that he had just been holding my hand, less than a minute ago, he’s still nervous to ask me if I want his number.  
Well, I don’t want him to squirm any longer._

_“Yeah.”_


	9. a little out of hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Considering last night’s text message exchange, Eren has been waiting in anticipation to see Levi again in his usual therapy session. However, things don’t turn out quite as they should have...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: chapter contains adult content ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I’m way too excited to see Levi again.

It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours, but somehow, that message from him seemed to make time move even slower.

I’d be lying if I said that my heart wasn’t beating out of my chest last night. Then again, how could I have avoided that? His hand felt so soft in my own. He was so clinical about it, especially when I asked him if he wanted my number (which I consciously congratulated myself for asking him in the first place).

Maybe his monotone act was too ingenuine, maybe it was too dishonest and disrespectful of him, but he clearly didn’t give a shit.

And that was so fucking attractive.

Hange was already cunningly waiting for me as she watched me excitedly bounce towards her desk. I smile brightly as I greet her, to which she returns a very mischievous smirk. I watch her curiously as I ask her, “what’s with that smile?”

“Oh, nothing.” She giggles and rolls her eyes at herself. “Levi has been waiting for you.”

“Well, duh.” I remark.

“Yeah,” she giggles maniacally once more, “duh! Of course.”

Eyes wincing and brows furrowed, I look back at Hange while I walk to Levi’s office. She’s waving enthusiastically, as always, yelling after me. “Have fun, Eren!”

Very strange.

 

Levi whips out his notebook and pen, he flips to my page, and asks me in a professional manner: “Well, where shall we begin today?”

My eyes idly catch sight of the number of tags plastered in between the pages of his notebook. “Do you have a lot of clients?”

Levi chuckles and looks up at me from his notes. “You make it sound like I’m a prostitute.”

“You are being paid, after all.” I remark knowingly. Levi quickly raises his eyebrows once, clicking his pen and blinking as he looks back down at his notes. His lips are sealed tight and his jaw seems stiffer than it should be. “Are you okay?”

“Me?” He asks in surprise. “I’m good.” He looks around a little longer; eyes glancing at the clock and back at his watch. He squints several times. “That clock’s wrong.” I simply hum in acknowledgement.

“So do you?”

“Do I what?

“Have a lot of clients.”

“Around two of three others, at the moment.”

“Right.”

The clock’s ticking fills the room, just like it did in our previous therapy sessions. But something feels a little different. I can tell Levi feels that way, too. There’s a slight expectancy hanging adrift in the air; waiting to be spoken about or even be mentioned in passing conversation. It needs to be cleared.

After a while, he finally puts his notebook down, along with his tedious nervousness. He sits back comfortably, legs crossed, hands intertwined and resting on his lap.  
He’s letting the air clear, ever so slowly.

I sit up from my reclining position, my head lifts itself up to watch Levi. I decide on asking him. “No notes?”

“They’re not necessary.” He reflects modestly.

“So what am I paying you for?”

“Company.” He replies bluntly.

“Sit next to me.” I tell Levi.

Levi squints his eyes and furrows his brows. “Sorry?”

“Sit here.” I indicate the empty space of the recliner. So that’s exactly what he does.

“What’s your intention?” He asks me.

I shrug plainly. “What do you think?”

“I think,” he chuckles stupidly, “that you are under the influence of something, Eren.”

“Me?” I laugh similarly to a dunce who’s completely lost their mind. “Have you checked in at a doctor’s yet, bud?”

“No. Why?”

“You’re clearly under the influence of something even worse.”

“Oh really?” He crosses his arms and looks at me smugly. “What’s that?”

I lean a little closer to him, telling him in a childish manner, “love.”

He chuckles softly. “Maybe you’re not too far off that.” Levi slowly reaches for my brown locks of hair, playing with them gently. “What about yourself, Eren?” His hand moves closer to my scalp, caressing it as he does so. He scratches it with affection, as if he’s reassuring me for no apparent reason. But no reason was required; I was more than content to accept what was happening. He continues to slowly scratch my scalp and messing up my hair, but I couldn’t care less.  
Silently, I push my body closer to his, trying to catch as many of his loving touches as I could. After a small chuckle, he moves his hand downwards, now rubbing softly at the nape of my neck. I groan softly like a purring cat, and he spurs me on. “You sound really cute.” I giggle in response, but don’t move, allowing Levi to keep scratching my neck and relishing in the oddly comforting feeling.

I quickly notice that Levi keeps moving his hand downwards, ever so slowly. My heart can’t help but pick up its pace, pulsing as I feel its beat reach my throat. His hand makes it away from my nape down to my first few vertebrae, and surprisingly, he glides his hand tentatively down my back, under my shirt. His cold touch contrasts my hot skin, making me seeth in anticipation.  
He lifts one of his legs over the side of the sofa and shoves himself closer to me, his hips hugging my backside intimately. Despite the fact that I’m being worked down on by his hands, my attention was instead caught by how I can feel his crotch against me. The hot sensation of my cheeks warming up has me feeling quite dizzy. By now, his other hand is gliding up the hem of my shirt, painfully slowly making its way from my abdomen to my flat stomach.  
There’s no denying that an extremely hot inkling of excitement is gradually pooling at my abdomen, so I don’t even try to cover it up as I lean into his hand, encouraging him to further explore the area.

His hand guides itself back to my abdomen, simply laying his cool hand flatly on it. A sharp intake of breath that I’d been holding finally releases itself through my nose. Levi chuckles quietly at my reaction.

“You’re really warm.” He remarks teasingly.

“I don’t care.” I tell him deadpan and then further encourage him, “Do whatever, please.”

Immediately, I feel the hand on my neck leave its premises, leaving me momentarily disappointed. However, it quickly recovers. Now, both of his palms are strolling along the surface of my stomach, completely disinterested in my shirt. The movement of his hands is much more lustful as they explore the smoothness of my chest; his fingertips dancing around the surface elegantly. His grip makes my breathing more ragged, eliciting close-mouthed groans from me.

His hand trails from my ribs to my chest hair, playing with it far too intimately than should be allowed. And finally, it hits. A finger brushes over one of my nipples, and a moan spills from my mouth — like a shameful confession that had been trying its best not to be unveiled. The raven takes notice, and without delay brushes his finger over it a few more times.

“Levi—ah…”

The touch intensifies as soon as his thumb and index finger grab a firm hold of it, and I can’t help but whinge slightly as he makes me come undone under his delightful, pleasure-inducing hands. His name’s on my tongue like a plague; I keep chanting it as he continues twisting the nub he’s clasping.

His chin leans gently on my shoulder.

“You sound beautiful, Eren.”

Those only words constantly echo throughout my head. Every time I think of the way he said my name just then, a little moan escapes my grasp once more.

“Would you let me touch you wherever?”

I mewl loudly and nod without hesitation, howling his name softly; it encouraged him enough to trace his finger along my stomach, circling my belly button as he continues to pinch and squeeze me. The sensation feels irreplaceable: the first time I’m being touched this way, so lovingly and caringly, and it’s by the same man who’s been on my mind for so long. Things can’t get better; I don’t need anything else, as long as I have Levi.

And I wish I hadn’t locked that thought into my mind just yet like it’s some rule, because, to my dismay, his cold palms already exited through the bottom of my shirt. Instead, he grabs a hold of my chin, turning me so that I face him. His grey, stormy eyes continuously stare me down. However, the stare isn’t challenging, I believe he’s just struggling to think of what to say. For a moment he just sits there. Looking at my face, his eyes darting up and down from my even messier hair to my eyes and my mouth. And they linger on my lips, particularly, for a while longer…

He leans in, closing his eyes. A pair of lips slowly press onto mine. That passionate kiss that I’d been waiting for so long finally graces me. I feel the burning, hot glow of fervor afflicted on the surface of his delicate, thin mouth, quickly afflicting onto my own. The surprise of the kiss has me feeling stunned, my eyes still wide open as I watch the black eyelashes on his closed eyelids flutter. His breathing slows down as I feel the steady pace of his exhales through his nostrils graze my skin. Gingerly, Levi withdraws from the kiss, his eyes slowly opening. His gaze finally rests on my eyes as he reaches his hand up to my chocolate locks, gliding them back and trying his best to tuck them behind my ear, smiling softly. I sit there in disbelief, my mouth still parted from his kiss.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do that.” Levi chuckles heartily.

My gaze avoids Levi’s as I look down at my lap, shamefully. I mumble somewhat quietly, “more”, as an attempt to have an excuse for kissing Levi again. Because… I really want to. I’ve been wanting this from the day I’ve met him.

“Again?” He asks, cocking his eyebrows up. “How surprising.” He enlightens me with his curt remark.

“Why is it a surprise?”

Levi is silent for a few seconds. “You’ve been wanting this, too?”

Looking up at him, I nod tentatively in response to question. His Adam’s apple bobs a little. Then, his eyes dart up to the clock, and back at me. He sits up straight, watching me attentively.

Hastily, my head cocks itself, leaning into Levi without warning, working my lips on his as I kiss him countless times. He easily allows it, and even grabs a fistful of my hair as he moans into our kiss. I recall my dream from so many weeks ago. The dream which is uncannily similar to what was happening at this moment. One thing that I remember from that dream is reaching out for Levi…

My right hand elegantly acquaints Levi’s neck, rubbing the fuzzy, shaved hairs breezily. I dig my fingers into his scalp, blemishing it far more erotically than Levi originally did. My left hand trails down to his chest, grabbing the irritating fabric aggressively. My lips continue to embrace him endearingly, but he momentarily detaches himself from me, leaning into my ear as his hot whisper dances around me.

“Take it off.”

Instantaneously, he catches my mouth again, loud smacks filling the room whilst my fingers fumble and try to unbutton every stud on his shirt. The infinite number of times I had pictured Levi shirtless swims in my head again, spurring me on as I uncloth him. As soon as they’re all undone, he tears it off and presumably throws it across the room. My hand briskly lands on his porcelain skin, feeling the writhing, taught muscle as best as I could. My index finger suggestively traces every crest and dip that shaped his abs, and as my hand lays flatly on him, I notice how heated he feels, too.

Levi’s impatience overcomes him as he tugs on my shirt. I undo the few buttons at my collar and grab the brim of my shirt, pulling it up tantalisingly slowly as I momentarily stop my lips from grazing Levi’s. He watches my elaborate movements, tutting me at how long I’m taking. However, as soon as the shirt’s been thrown somewhere, he’s undoubtedly smirking at me.  
“Perfect.” Although his remark is simple, it still makes me blush abundantly. He takes a few seconds to stare at what he’s seeing, and I can’t help but question him.

“What are you doing?”

“Just making sure I never forget this view.”

I crawl over to Levi like a dog and straddle his lap. “How’s this?”

Levi smiles slyly. “Much better.” His hand glides on my lower back, rubbing it soothingly whilst his other hand caresses my cheek, his finger dropping down to my chin. “You’re blushing a lot, you know.”

I shrug nonchalantly in response.

“I didn’t think you’d be so willing.” He tells me.

“I think that you’re underestimating how much I want this, old man.” I slowly drag my lips up his cheek, whispering into his ear playfully, “I’ve dreamt about you, Levi.”

I can swear I heard Levi’s breath hitch. And, for a few fleeting seconds, he doesn’t say anything, but he really had no need to. I grab Levi’s wrist and guide it to my chest.

“Can you feel it?”

Levi nods. “It’s beating pretty fast.” So he did take note of it. But, then again, Levi is generally a very conscientious man; I shouldn’t be surprised that my excitement wouldn’t go unnoticed by him.  
“That’s because of you.” I tell him. My straightforward statement probably shouldn’t have made him smirk as much as he did, but I wasn’t one to stop him from getting any ideas.

Levi inhales intensely, groaning gradually as I dangle my fingers nearer and nearer to his belt. I can tell he wants me to continue. He grabs my wrist, however, curtly placing it back on his chest. Yet, something in those lust-filled eyes of his just gave away how much he wants this.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him curiously. The raven inhales and exhales deeply again.  
“We don’t know what we’re doing.” I shake my head, and his eyes avoid mine as he tells me, “you’re my client.”

My heart halts in its track. My mouth suddenly feels dry. He really didn’t want to say that; he really didn’t mean it.  
But just because I knew that fact doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. So I just chuckle, trying to shrug it off. “So what? Is it illegal?”

“Eren,” he sighs, desperately clutching his arms around me in an attempt to comfort me. “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into—”

“Tell me you don’t want this.” I interrupt him coarsely, the command popping out of my mouth like a wrangled, tactless cry. “I don’t care at this point. I need you.” His eyes are avoiding me like the plague. “Look at me!” His head turns swiftly, his mouth open as he processes my blunt remark. A single tear rolls down my cheek, but I pretend I don’t notice. “I do want you, Levi.”

Levi doesn’t say anything at all, which leads me to prompt him again. “Tell me you don’t want me.”

“I…” Is all that leaves his lips. And although I feel like I’m on the brink of losing him, it’s too tempting to watch his expression. His eyebrows creased and bent, his eyes widened and pupils constricted, his parted, kissable, soft lips… never have I seen the man so surprised. But as I watch him, his mouth shapes into a very stupid smile, like he’s at a complete loss of words; as in he completely forgot how to speak the English language in the space of a mere two seconds.

He shakes his head thoughtfully, looking down at my bare chest and clothed crotch that are currently straddling him. “I do want you.” He nods his head slowly. “I want you. I do.”

His lips crash onto mine, instantly succumbing to one another. He moans heavily and I mewl along with him. I smile greedily in the midst of the heat, grabbing at his forearms and steadily rubbing them along his limbs. He keeps slathering my mouth with pecks in varying lengths. He parts from the kiss, and tells me in that husky, honey-coated tone, “On your knees.”

_Holy fuck._

I’m not sure how, but I was down on my knees way faster than ever. I clumsily unbuckle his belt, sliding it out of the way and tossing it without a care. Then, I unbutton his pants, pulling them down hastily. His hand immediately reaches for my messy hair, playing with and writhing it in his hands to keep himself busy. My eyes sustain eye contact with his, teasingly tracing my finger along the band of his briefs in an attempt to infuriate him. It works, that I can hear as his teeth elicit a hiss. “Come on, brat.” The nickname sounds harsh, but I can’t help but smile as I remember that it’s _my_ nickname. And right now, Levi is under _my_ control.

Abruptly, I slide his briefs down only slightly. Levi smirks as he hears the slightly surprised gasp drop from my lips; I can’t help but revel at the glorious sight of his cock. Its pinkish hue contrasts his surrounding porcelain tone, it’s certainly quite large, considering his height. Admittedly, I’m already contemplating whether or not I can even swallow him halfway. However, with a few twitches of his length, I can already tell that Levi is enjoying every second of me observing him so intimately; I’m not ready to stop just yet.

I suppose my endless staring is making Levi quite worried. He quickly cups my chin as he tilts my head upwards, looking at me deeply. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just a little intimidating.” _God, why did I tell him that?_

Levi chuckles softly. “Don’t worry. I’ll go easy.”

“Thank you.” I whisper the words under my breath, yet Levi still manages to catch them.

“No worries, kitten.”

And with that, I start licking his shaft, from its base straight to its head. I sustain eye contact with him, his stare feeling daunting and pressured. However, it feels amazing. He’s watching every single move I make. He’s watching my tongue envelope the head of his cock, he’s feeling every sensation and stimulation of it, he’s probably wishing I would take all of his length now. But as he promised, he’s going easy, trying his best to resist the urge of bucking his hips into me and filling my mouth with every inch of his cock.

Gradually, my head starts going down further on him, wiggling my tongue along his length inside my mouth. His husky groans keep me going, encouraging me as he tells me how good fucking my mouth feels. It’s so degrading, but I’m enjoying every second of it. I casually wrap my hand around the rest of his unobtainable length, pumping in time to my head bobbing up and down on him. This time, his reaction is nearly unforgettable: he moans beautifully, groaning my name as he grabs my hair and massages it ever so delicately. After a while, his hands slide down to the back of my head, and I can already foresee what is about to happen. Levi presses my head further down his length, leaning into my mouth as he moans once more. His shallow thrusts have me gagging, but I maintain my calm exterior whilst I unobtrusively grab a firm hold of his hips, digging my fingertips into him as he fucks me.

“Eren—kitten—just a little longer…”

I whine and slightly nod in acknowledgement, the reverberations of my moan causing Levi to practically howl. He’s on the brink of losing it; I can feel it as his attempt at fucking my mouth becomes more desperate than before. He’s set on cumming soon, and the thought alone pleasures me to every extent possible.

He quickly halts his thrusting, taking his cock out of my mouth and stroking himself worryingly fast.

“Open your mouth for me.”

I do what he tells me to, sticking my tongue out so I can catch his seed with it. He continues to groan, moaning at the sight of me. “Such a complacent little kitten.” He remarks single-mindedly. “Are you going to swallow every single drop of my cum?” I nod without hesitation, and Levi smirks diligently, biting his lip.

His being on edge has him silently hovering over me, and finally, those hot, wet ribbons of cum spray on my face, covering a majority of the surface of my tongue. The taste is certainly foreign. Levi’s groaning is satisfying to hear, especially when he remarks with a gasp, “Holy shit.” He strokes himself a little harder, milking his high as the remnants of his cum dribbles down his shaft. I lovingly catch the remaining seed with my tongue, remembering what I had promised to Levi beforehand.

“Not bad.” He smiles and ruffles my hair gently. I simply nod in silence, wiping off the remaining cum from my cheeks. Meanwhile, Levi is already putting his pants back on, simultaneously reaching for a tissue on his desk and handing it over to me. His intense stare at my face has me cocking an eyebrow up, as if to ask him what’s up. “There’s still some…” he points near my eyelid, “right there.” So I take the tissue, wiping at the spot intently and then putting my shirt back on.

Leaning against the edge of the cold, leather sofa, I take a glance at the clock.

“Our session finished around half an hour ago.” I tell him.

“I don’t care.”

My head swiftly spins around to watch him. He’s leaning against his desk, arms crossed, calm and composed as if nothing had just happened. It’s funny; the way he’s standing there — so nonchalantly yet so pragmatically — it really reminds me of my very first therapy session. And it’s been so long. Well, maybe not. It feels like I’ve known Levi for longer than a month, but perhaps that’s because I’ve been seeing him nearly every day.

“I think we can arrange less therapy sessions from this point onwards.” He remarks casually.

“What?” I ask in surprise. “Why?”

“Well, you did just suck my dick, only because we had nothing to discuss.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“That’s not what therapy is meant for.” He reminds me in his serious, grave tone, yet, as soon as his eyes dart up to meet mine, he tries fighting the urge to smile. “But it was good.”

Our gazes remain locked, despite the silence between us.

“So what do you want out of this?” I ask him resolutely, expecting a thoughtful answer from him. Levi doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. Dramatically, he lets out a sigh and stares down at his shoes.

“I’m surprised you’re asking me this.”

“How so?”

“Well, quite frankly, I’m flexible for anything.” He admits quite carelessly.

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t think _you’d_ want anything more out of this.”

My chest feels constricted, all of a sudden. “Do you think I’m only up for a quick lay?”

He shakes his head, laughing somewhat obnoxiously. “What’s with the questions? Of course not. I’m just not used to other stuff. Like, relationships.”

“So what? You do this with other clients?” I ask him sheepishly.

He immediately walks towards me, sitting down on his knees, shaking his head furiously. “No, no, not at all.” He takes my hand, caressing it with his thumb slowly. “That’s not what I’m like, Eren.”

“How can I trust you on that?”

“You know that you can take my word.”

I shake my head, trying to disdain my negative thoughts, but it won’t work. I don’t know. I wouldn’t know. Levi wouldn’t want me. I’m a fuck-up, anyway.

Standing up briskly, I feel Levi grabbing at my wrist. I try to shake him off. “I need some time to consider it.” I tell him decisively, trying to fight back the doubt in my mind, and subsequently, the tears that might flow soon.

This time, Levi gets up and runs to the door, blocking my way as I try to get past him. “Don’t go.” I shake my head defiantly.   
Forcefully grabbing his arm, I finally push him out of the way, rapidly pulling at the door knob to leave. He grabs at my wrist again, a look of desperation stapled on his face, his eyebrows furrowed intensely and his mouth barking like a dog’s. “Eren, please! This is completely unnecessary.”

“Let me fucking go!” I shake myself loose from his grasp, running down the hallway, but there’s no reason for me to run anyway. He’s not even chasing after me. He really doesn’t give a shit, does he?

Hange sees me passing along the way, shouting after me, “See you tomorrow, Eren!”

But I’m not coming back tomorrow.

Not to see Dr Ackerman, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uuunnnghhhh  
> Is probably what you’re thinking.  
> Yes, I’m sorry for the angst. But it’s plot development, trust me!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the majority of the chapter, though. I will be very busy these next few weeks, so I apologise in advance if I don’t post to schedule.


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